Monday Night Smackdown

Many apologies for the lateness of this post. The delay is due in part to me ending my fellowship this week and having a bazillion things to do, in part to my trying to figure out the right words to describe Kasey's hat (wooly?...feminine?), and in part to my having to recover from (dare I say it) the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!

This week we join our group as they swoon over Ames' surprise departure, completely forgetting the fact that he doesn't need the money and therefore had no reason to stay after Jackie left. They note how it's refreshing to know that true love still exists....at least for about one month or until the contract's forced "play nice" clause expires and you are allowed to share the sordid details of your failed relationship in a "tell all" to one of the many magazines that I read while standing in line at the grocery store.

Blake tells the camera that Melissa is a "loose cannon" - that's like saying Chicago winters are "a tad nippy." He figures that he must make up with Melissa or else he will get voted off - because apparently this season's cast has all adopted the strategy of "follow the crazy." But Melissa doesn't want to talk - she wants an apology. Blake talked to another girl, how dare he! Blake attempts to set the record straight, but Melissa wants to hear none of it. Instead of listening to Blake, she heads over to confront Holly. Holly informs Melissa that she is not into Blake - that's just how she is...she'll flirt with anyone. Oh how I wish Blake had overheard that conversation! In her camera interview, Melissa looks like she has been crying....again.....and I have an idea of how we can end the water shortage here in Texas.

The next morning, Chris Harrison takes the group outside for their next competition. We see what looks like the intro synchronized swimming scene to Austin Powers: The Spy that Shagged Me, minus the phallic innuendos and Mike Myer's rump. Kasey says something stupid about Jake and alligator blood....Jenius, Kasey...pure Jenius. Chris rhetorically asks "Who doesn't love synchronized swimming?" to which Michael responds in jest, "I don't know anyone who doesn't love it."....and we don't know anyone who doesn't love you (except my husband...who called him a tool this week!)

The women will form one team, the men will form the other. Michelle is worried about Melissa and Vienna because they were both cheerleaders in high school and I'm worried that Erica will drown in her medicated state. Jake feels he has a leg up on his competitors because of his experience on Dancing With the Stars....never mind that he got voted off fairly early and his professional partner got fed up with him on day one. Details.

Erica thinks Jake will win because he has the biggest "package".....yes, that just happened.

Jake has forgotten that Michael is a dance instructor until Michael takes charge of the men's practice session and schools everyone.

Over on the girls' side, Erica notes that the closest she has come to synchronized swimming is laying by a pool and that she doesn't know how to dive into the water. The girls' coach looks like she wants to drown them all as they can't seem to get down even the simplest choreography.

After practice, the teams change into their performance gear - which for the women consisted of teeny bikinis with flowers attached to the chest and crotch area and swimcaps covered with flowers. The guys' attire consisted of.....speedos. Lord help us.

To judge this debacle are two people who know a thing or two about doing anything to win - the winners of last season, Dave and Natalie. Also an Olympic-level synchronized swimmer is there to judge and watch the sport she devoted her life to be disgraced by money-loving reality stars.

The girls were up first. To spare you the details of this debacle here's the gist: Erica off in la-la land, Vienna trying way too hard, Holly smiling and looking confused, utter chaos. Picking a winner from this group means picking the person who sucked the least.

The boys go next and show the girls how it is meant to be done. Jake is swimming for his reality-star life and doing a pretty good job....until Michael shoots out from the water, crotch in hand, in a perfect leap, sinking any of the other guys' hopes of winning.

The judges pick Michelle and Michael as the winners. Since Vienna did not win, she assumes that she has been cheated. As she tells the camera, she worked the hardest and was SO much better than the others.....clearly. Chris tells the guys to please put on some clothes and we thank him for kicking butts this season.

Jake, ever the target, needs to find a way to not get eliminated since he doesn't have immunity. The logical thing would be to pick someone in the house that has a lot of pull with the others and who has the potential to win future competitions. Jake decides to try to ally with Erica. Brilliant! Jake talks strategy while Erica rubs her leg up and down Jake's. Jake shows us that he is willing to do whatever it takes to win (which, ironically is what he says he dislikes most about Vienna and Kasey) and we wish we didn't have to see the "whatever" he is talking about.

After his pow-wow with Queen Spacey, Jake is in the kitchen when Vienna tells him that he did a good job and that she is proud of him. By Kasey's enraged reaction, you would have thought that Vienna had groped Jake and had her way with him. And here's where it gets interesting. Vienna claims she was just being civil and immediately retreats to her preferred defense of playing the victim, accusing Kasey of not protecting her. Kasey slings back, "You want another public break-up on TV?".....okay, ouch! He then goes on to say to the camera that Vienna is a bigger "fame whore" than Jake. Color me crazy, but this does not seem to be things you would say to and/or about someone you supposedly love.

Their argument goes indoors and they both seem to forget their "promise" to not fight on camera. Vienna is crying, confused why her fake tears are not getting their usual desired result. Kasey continues to take verbal shots at Vienna asking her "Are you crying to get sympathy because you looked like a bitch last time?" For a moment, we consider feeling bad for her. Instead we rewind the scene, watch it several more times, and are grateful that someone is taking Chris Harrison's lead and putting the cross-eyes damsel in distress in her place. Kasey tells Vienna she is ruining their strategy and to get her act together before they lose everything. Ahhh....nothing like placing money in front of respecting one's boyfriend/girlfriend.

For Michelle's date, Kasey, Blake, and Graham are chosen to go along. Blake notes that Melissa is good friends with Michelle and hopes that he can smooth things over with Michelle.

As Michael picks his dates, Holly tells the camera she hopes he does not pick her....he does. He also picks Ella and Vienna.

On Michelle's date at the vineyard, Michelle and Graham skirt around the fact that they have a crush on each other. Great line of the night was when Michelle tells Graham she thinks he's great and he comes back with, "You barely know me!" Funny.....and true. They kiss, she gives him a rose, and I scanned the background for fireworks....nada.

On Michelle's date, Michelle tells Blake that he needs to fix things between he and Melissa. She subtly acknowledges that Melissa is being a smidge overly dramatic, but that he still needs to make things right.

Michael's date he and the girls go horseback riding. Ella is excited, Holly is hoping she doesn't have to ride on the same horse as Michael, and Vienna complains about everything. If ABC can do an actual montage of your whining, chances are you have annoyed everyone within earshot. One of those people is Ella, who starts to contemplate the beauty of voting Vienna off.

Back at the mansion, Blake takes a couple shots of liquid courage before going to do what he knows must be done to save his hide - act like he's interested in Melissa again....after referring to her as "a schrew of a bitch." His words...not mine (but I agree). Blake apologizes, acts mildly interested and Melissa is back in love with him. He can't tell if the throw up in his mouth is from the liquor or from her touch.

Back on the horse date, Michael and Holly discuss yet again where they stand. At first I sort of liked Holly and I think we all know my stance on Michael - hilarious! But, as the show goes on, my dislike for Holly is growing...for this reason - she is doing the thing I hate when people do: to the camera she repeatedly says how things are done between her and Michael and how she doesn't want to be on dates with him, etc., but in person, she sends him all kinds of crazy mixed signals.

Back at the mansion Kasey tells the camera all about his inner struggles and we are introduced to his granola knitted cap. Wooly? Feminine?....still searching

Jake continues his strategizing by approaching.....Erica (again!). This time he takes doing whatever it takes to a whole new level by making out with Erica. What Jake fails to realize that he didn't have to do this - Erica is so hopped up on prescription medication that he could have just told her later that they made out and she would have believed him. Instead, we all had to witness a scene so uncomfortable I found myself hiding behind our dog, Sampson.

Back to the horse date - no shocker here: Michael gives the rose to Holly. As the other girls leave, Brett Michaels' tour bus shows up out of nowhere. Michael and Holly seem super excited and I'm left thinking, "This isn't VH1.....?" The only excuse for this insanity is that one of the ABC interns is a die-hard Poison fan and slipped this into the date without anyone catching it until it was too late. Well done.

On the bus, Holly tells Brett that she and Michael were engaged. Brett gives a hearty congrats. Holly then says they broke up and Brett feels like an idiot. But thankfully, he has just the song. We hear Every Rose Has It's Thorn as Holly contemplates how that song relates to her situation with Michael. zzzzzzzzzzzz. She and Michael end the date with a hug and I can't help but notice how Holly sticks her butt away from Michael as they embrace....it's the kind of hug you give your mildewy great-aunt Mildred.

Cut to the mansion and our favorite resident crazy, Kasey. He mentions that it's his and Vienna's 6-month anniversary. That's like 63 years in reality TV world. He says he has a ring for Vienna. As he pours out his heart to his beloved, she looks back at him with a total "stank face." She says she is "getting nervous" and says the last thing you want to hear from someone you love, "I don't want it to be an engagement ring." She need not worry though, it's just a promise ring, which she accepts with joy....or was it simply relief that it wasn't an engagement ring.

What follows was so horrifying my hands tremble as I write. Kasey sings an original song to Vienna. Rather than sit and politely listen the way Ali did, Vienna laughs at him. Kasey is unaware of a) his girlfriend is laughing at him and b) his song has no melody...at all.

While American Idol is going on outside, Erica is trying to fight through her medication haze long enough to round up the troops against Kasey by approaching Kirk and Holly. Erica tells the camera that she doesn't trust Melissa as far as she can throw her, which isn't far even though Melissa is tiny. Meanwhile, Melissa is busy packing because she knows she is going home. Erica has planted a seed of doubt about Melissa in everyone's mind by insinuating that Melissa and Jake have teamed up and I think that maybe Erica is smarter than I give her credit for....not hard, that bar is floor high. But Melissa is convinced she will get her revenge when everyone sees the episodes air and realize that she is the only one who had things right. Riiiiight.

Vienna says that Melissa is a loose cannon and loyalty is most important to Vienna.....is anyone buying that?
Melissa decides to set the record straight but just ends up in tears.....again. Melissa and Erica have it out on the front steps of the house. Erica notes her observation that Melissa never puts logic in front of emotion and Melissa states that she is not the one causing drama in the house. I never thought I'd say it, but Erica is the one making sense in this argument. Michelle even tells Melissa she needs to rein it in because sh'e driving everyone crazy.

At the pre-rose ceremony alcohol fest, Blake tells Melissa he wants a plutonic partnership and she again feels betrayed. She finds comfort in Jake, who is desperate enough to stay that he is willing to put up with any and all craziness. Jake makes the statement that Melissa will follow anyone who will give her comfort....and he apparently feels no remorse about taking advantage of this fact.

Chris Harrison announces that only one man will go home tonight and Kasey rests assured that his minions will not vote him out. He even thanks them for their loyalty, not realizing that there are a few Brutuses (Bruti?) in the bunch. Somehow Vienna and Kasey catch wind that a plot has developed to vote Kasey out. Vienna puts on her psycho masks and starts lecturing others about loyalty and how she and Kasey would never turn on their friends. Methinks she should get off that self-constructed pedestal of morality she is on....it's a mighty long fall back to reality.

During voting we realize the Kirk is the swing vote. Kirk realizes this too and says that he is doing something he did not think he would ever do.

At the rose ceremony, it comes down to Jake and Kasey. Chris says that there is only one rose left and whoever does not hear his name will be going home.

The last thing we hear on the episode is Chris Harrison say "Kasey" thus indicating that Jake is the one being sent packing.

But......dare I suggest that this may not be the case. I wonder why they cut off right after that and did not show Jake's departure and Vienna/Kasey's rejoicing (which I'm sure will include tears by Vienna and faux ghetto talk by Kasey). There's got to be a twist....and so we wait for next week.