The Crazy Train has Left the Station

I'm not afraid to admit that I am wrong.

And I was wrong.

Last week I made the bold prediction that Kasey and not Jake was going home....but alas, the self-proclaimed "Godfather" is still reigning over his Bachelor Pad minions. But Jake is not one to go silently and in his farewell speech he told the remaining BP survivors that they were sending the wrong person home and that they need to vote of the "power couple" if they had any hopes in winning. In the limo he confesses that he is glad to be out of the house and I can't help but yell out, "sour grapes" at the TV. Kasey says the phrase "kick rocks" about 4 times and I wonder why he's not going all Jackie Chan on Jake like he said he would....all bark, no bite.

Vienna thanks the remaining contestants for voting off Jake because she knows they did this for her. Sure, we'll go with that for now.

The following morning, Chris Harrison tells the group that they better be ready to pucker up because the day's contest is the ever famous kissing contest. Michelle withdraws because she says she wants to set a good example for her daughter....and deprive the rest of us of fireworks.

Ella, also a single mother, says nothing will keep her from getting the money for her son - she's in! Blake says something about giving Holly a tonsilectomy and I wonder when is he going to realize that he's the creeper at the bar all women try to avoid by looking like they're in deep conversation with their friends.

You would think a kissing contest, given the current and past relationships in the house, would be awkward.

You would be right.

Holly is up first to be kissed by all the guys. Michael seizes the moment and kisses her the way a boyfriend would. The rest of the guys show a rare moment of class and peck Holly on the cheek out of respect for Michael....except Blake. I know now what Blake meant by giving Holly a tonsilectomy - however, like a tonsilectomy (which, I don't think dentists perform, by the way) it was painful and scarring. Blake goes on to kiss all the other girls like a leech and he tells the camera that he's "got skills in {his} repertoire." Seriously?

On Vienna's turn, she tells the guys "Don't be sticking your tongue in my mouth," which strikes me odd for 2 reasons:
1) I think it's a smidge late to start playing the prude card and
2) it's might presumptuous to think that any man other than "Guard and Protect" would want to kiss you anywhere other than your cheek.....even for a quarter of a million dollars.

We don't find out who wins yet, but it looks like Blake's "skills" may actually get him a rose.

Next up it's the girls. Erica thinks her plastic lips will give her an edge....from what the guys say, it did not. We also find out that Kasey could use an Altoid....or ten. Holly kisses Michael and he immediately knows it's her and asks if she can go again....and we all wish they would just get back together again. Unfortunately, when Blake steps to the plate, Holly kisses him much more passionately than she kissed Michael and our hearts sink a little....and Melissa's eyes bug out a lot.

Chris Harrison tells everyone that there are apparently only one man and one woman in the house who know how to kiss because the vote wasn't even close. Blake and Ella are the landslide winners. Blake takes this to mean that some girls in the house thought he was a better kisser than their boyfriends and we realize that we like him better when he's kissing girls because that means he's not talking.

Ella picks one of my favorites, Kirk, to go on the one-on-one date. They go out to the front of the house a red sports car is waiting for them. Ella informs Kirk that she is going to be the one driving this car and Kirk wonders if it's because he chose to wear a bright pink tie.

Meanwhile back at Camp Clueless, Melissa is already preparing for her date with Blake....of course he will pick her to go on a romantic date with....nevermind all that crazy "let's be plutonic" talk of yesterday, Melissa knows Blake is into her. She tells the camera that she and Blake "made up" for the 4th time last night and my husband astutely pronounces, "This woman is never going to get a date after this show." But Blake says he knows where the romantic road with Melissa goes....and it's no nowhere fun. Being the man he is, Blake starts to talk around the fact that he's going to take Holly on the date and to no one's surprise, Melissa morphs into one of her alter egos - the one that is convinced she and Blake have an actual relationship which would warrant hurt feelings on her part if Blake invited Holly. Blake tries to distract her with some good ol' fashioned BS, saying that he is trying to position their team in a better position....Melissa is not buying it....she may be crazy, but she's not stupid....?

On Ella's date with Kirk they sit down to pizza and s'mores and my husband notes that this would be my dream date.

He's right.

Ella asks Kirk about what he would do with the money if he won and Kirk explains to her about his past illness and how his parents covered much of his medical bills and he would like to pay them back. Ellas tells Kirk about her mother's murder and how she wants to not only buy a home for her and her son, but to also start a foundation for battered winner.

Officially meet the two I want to win.

These two decide to team up and also decide that they like each other. They kiss on a hot air balloon and we try to ignore the arm of the hot air balloon operator which is intruding on the shot and ruining any hope in creating a nice quite moment. I think there may have also been a boom mic in the shot.

Back at the mansion, Erica decides that she needs to team up with Blake now that her old partner, Jake, has been kicked out. She tells Blake that he's the smartest girl in the house and that's why he should pick her.....did I mention she did this as she massaged him in a bikini? Clearly, this woman wants to be taken seriously for her intellect.

From one awkward Blake moment to another - the date card arrives and Melissa actually voices her belief that she will be accompanying Blake on the date. But Blake picks Holly and I can't tell who feels worse, Melissa or Michael. Melissa demands that Blake explain himself, bursts into tears, and leaves with Michelle.

Michelle, who used to be our resident crazy on Womack's season, is being out-crazied by far and tells Melissa that this is the last time she's helping her out. Melissa begs Michelle to stand up for her and calls Holly a bitch. Michelle, in a second moment of classiness, tells Melissa that Holly has done nothing this has nothing to do with her.

Melissa will not be deterred from her manic rant and she tells Blake that "this" (whatever "this" is in her mind) is going to trash him and ruin his reputation. Which reputation? The one of being a creeper? I actually think this will help solidify that reputation....but that's just my opinion. Melissa also claims that she's been carrying Blake the whole time and he pinky swore he'd look out for her...you hear that? Pinky swore!! Rather than exchange rings in our ceremony, Daniel and I just pinky swore - it's more legit.

Melissa decides to swing her crazy bazooka away from Blake's direction, asking why Holly would accept the invitation when she knows that Melissa has a make-believe relationship with Blake. Not worrying about damage to innocent bystanders, Melissa tells a sulking Michael that Holly doesn't care about him. Salt, meet wound.

She also tells Erica that Blake doesn't want her and that he thinks she's useless. Erica thinks, "I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off my Xanax and sticks to you."

Last on her hit list is Holly. She asks Holly if she would accept a date from Kasey, knowing that Kasey and Vienna are together. Holly points out the obvious - Kasey and Vienna are in an actual, mutual relationship. Melissa is simply stalking Blake. Plus, Holly reminds Melissa that she already informe her that she (Holly) will flirt with anyone.

Melissa moans to the camera that Blake promised her the world and she believed him. I think she may be confusing Blake with the voices in her head. She tries to corner Blake while he's brushing his teeth. He tells her he needs to brush for 40 more seconds, buying himself time to consider how many bones he would break if he jumped out the window in a daring escape.

Meanwhile, Michael is sitting next to Holly as she is waiting for her date to begin. He tells her he will miss her...she says, "It's okay."

Ouch.

Blake and Holly leave before Melissa has a chance to shed her human form and expose her evil spirit and before Michael googles "How to make hemlock"

The two supposedly-non-lovebirds arrive at the tarmac where a private jet is waiting for them. Holly says she is so glad to be getting away because she hates the house. Blake (and everyone watching) note that the house hates him. Welcome back, insight - it's nice to see you again.

Holly tells the viewers that she really hopes they are not going skiing because she can't ski. Next shot is Holly looking pissed in a ski shop. The next series of shots is titled, "1,001 ways to wipe out" as we see Holly tumping over...and over...and over. We see Blake and Holly playing in the snow and my husband notes that Blake doesn't know how to joke with girls because it's looking more like the snowball scene from Dumb and Dumber and less like a romantic date:

They talk about their first impressions of each other and Blake tells Holly that he first noticed her legs. She reminds him that that's because she had confused her hair band for a skirt. Holly notes that she has not thought about Michael at all on the date....which is different from what she will tell Michael later.

The date moves off the slopes and to a romantic campfire. Because Blake is such a gentleman, he feels that he must ask Holly what her status is with Michael....not that it will keep him from hitting on her, kissing her, and possibly sleeping with her, but Blake wants to know exactly where on the d-bag scale he will fall. In a rare moment of honesty, Holly admits to Blake that's she is torn.

Meanwhile, Michael is shirtless in front of the fireplace in the mansion, coming to the realization that Holly is irreplaceable....to the left, to the left.

Back at the campfire, Blake gives Holly a rose and the option of staying there for the night rather than going back home. He barely gets the offer out of his mouth when she accepts. Torn?....obviously. In the cabin where they will be staying, Blake ups his creep factor by stating that he needs to reexamine the evidence of the kissing contest and he and Holly make out. This line brings an audible groan from Daniel and a sigh from Sampson.

Michael notes the time and accepts the fact that Holly is not coming home that night. He says that if she was not given a choice, he'd be okay, but if she chose to stay overnight he will be really upset that she did not consider his feelings. It's going to be a rough morning, my breakdancing friend.

When Holly and Blake return, Erica decides to beat around the bush stating, "Did anything go on last night? I can tell!!!" Michael breaks up the scene by running (yes running) to Holly and scooping her up in a hug. He declares his love for her. She tells him she kissed Blake. In her defense (I hate myself right now) she and Michael are not together, so technically she did nothing wrong...."non-technically" she's getting shady. She reminds Michael that he left her and for some reason he does not remind her that he left because she broke off their engagement.

Needing sound advice from a clear-headed, logical, sensible woman, Holly confides in Vienna....I can't believe my fingers just types that. Vienna pretends to care and Holly pretends to not notice. Nothing is settled.

At the pre-rose ceremony fiesta, Erica has taken all of Melissa's special pills, leaving Melissa is "full Melissa" mode. Chris informs them that there are no tricks this week - one man and one woman will be leaving. Kasey starts immediately getting his troops in line. Erica nods her head in agreement with all that Kasey says, but it's really just a side effect of the medications. Kasey reminds Kirk that they are "like this" and Kirk thanks God he already has a rose. For good measure, Kasey tells Kirk that he needs the money in order for his grandma to live.

Lying about a dying grandma = new BP low.

Meanwhile, Michael is not at all concerned about roses - he just wants "healing time" with Holly. They are out on a mini-date picnic, discussing their relationship yet again. I understand the importance of their relationship to them, but I'm starting to wish the editors would be a little more liberal with their cutting.

While Michael and Holly are trying to recreate sparks with one another, Melissa is whirring about the house like a tornado, accusing everyone of voting for her. William mans up and says he did vote for her....and she bursts into tears. Making girls cry appears to be a hidden talent of William's - but we can't pin this one on him.Michael also tells her he voted for her and I'd like to think he told her that in revenge for her comment about Holly not wanting him.

Melissa decides to go back to what she knows...stalking Blake. But she runs into Kasey first and seeks assurance that he did not vote for her. Since he is dating Vienna, we know that Kasey has a high tolerance for craziness and drama, but he does not seem to care for Melissa's flavor of crazy - so despite his assurance that he has not voted for her, Kasey had indeed placed her picture in the voting box. He says he lied to her because he was afraid she would cut his nuts off if she knew he voted for her....and he's got a case.

At the rose ceremony we see that Vienna has already exhausted her cache of "classy" clothes and is sporting a too-short jean shirt. Daniel makes the observation that Melissa looks like an iguana and I have to agree. In the end, William and Melissa are kicked off. Michelle is crying over the fact that William is leaving and I'm wondering if I missed something, because I don't know that I ever saw those two talk to each other.

In the reject limo, William is surprised by how emotional he is feeling about getting kicked off. The only saving grace is that he does not have to share a limo with Melissa.

Speaking of Melissa's limo - Sobfest 2011. At one point she actually turns her body away from the camera so all we can see is her back heaving in and out from the sobs. This was one of the Top Five Ugly Cry moments in the Bachelor franchise's history....that's saying something.

Next week promises to be another crowd-pleaser - I'm on board as long as Kasey and/or Vienna is on the next crazy train out of BP. They will all be playing BP's version of The Newlywed Game....my crystal ball is predicting drama!

Monday Night Smackdown

Many apologies for the lateness of this post. The delay is due in part to me ending my fellowship this week and having a bazillion things to do, in part to my trying to figure out the right words to describe Kasey's hat (wooly?...feminine?), and in part to my having to recover from (dare I say it) the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!

This week we join our group as they swoon over Ames' surprise departure, completely forgetting the fact that he doesn't need the money and therefore had no reason to stay after Jackie left. They note how it's refreshing to know that true love still exists....at least for about one month or until the contract's forced "play nice" clause expires and you are allowed to share the sordid details of your failed relationship in a "tell all" to one of the many magazines that I read while standing in line at the grocery store.

Blake tells the camera that Melissa is a "loose cannon" - that's like saying Chicago winters are "a tad nippy." He figures that he must make up with Melissa or else he will get voted off - because apparently this season's cast has all adopted the strategy of "follow the crazy." But Melissa doesn't want to talk - she wants an apology. Blake talked to another girl, how dare he! Blake attempts to set the record straight, but Melissa wants to hear none of it. Instead of listening to Blake, she heads over to confront Holly. Holly informs Melissa that she is not into Blake - that's just how she is...she'll flirt with anyone. Oh how I wish Blake had overheard that conversation! In her camera interview, Melissa looks like she has been crying....again.....and I have an idea of how we can end the water shortage here in Texas.

The next morning, Chris Harrison takes the group outside for their next competition. We see what looks like the intro synchronized swimming scene to Austin Powers: The Spy that Shagged Me, minus the phallic innuendos and Mike Myer's rump. Kasey says something stupid about Jake and alligator blood....Jenius, Kasey...pure Jenius. Chris rhetorically asks "Who doesn't love synchronized swimming?" to which Michael responds in jest, "I don't know anyone who doesn't love it."....and we don't know anyone who doesn't love you (except my husband...who called him a tool this week!)

The women will form one team, the men will form the other. Michelle is worried about Melissa and Vienna because they were both cheerleaders in high school and I'm worried that Erica will drown in her medicated state. Jake feels he has a leg up on his competitors because of his experience on Dancing With the Stars....never mind that he got voted off fairly early and his professional partner got fed up with him on day one. Details.

Erica thinks Jake will win because he has the biggest "package".....yes, that just happened.

Jake has forgotten that Michael is a dance instructor until Michael takes charge of the men's practice session and schools everyone.

Over on the girls' side, Erica notes that the closest she has come to synchronized swimming is laying by a pool and that she doesn't know how to dive into the water. The girls' coach looks like she wants to drown them all as they can't seem to get down even the simplest choreography.

After practice, the teams change into their performance gear - which for the women consisted of teeny bikinis with flowers attached to the chest and crotch area and swimcaps covered with flowers. The guys' attire consisted of.....speedos. Lord help us.

To judge this debacle are two people who know a thing or two about doing anything to win - the winners of last season, Dave and Natalie. Also an Olympic-level synchronized swimmer is there to judge and watch the sport she devoted her life to be disgraced by money-loving reality stars.

The girls were up first. To spare you the details of this debacle here's the gist: Erica off in la-la land, Vienna trying way too hard, Holly smiling and looking confused, utter chaos. Picking a winner from this group means picking the person who sucked the least.

The boys go next and show the girls how it is meant to be done. Jake is swimming for his reality-star life and doing a pretty good job....until Michael shoots out from the water, crotch in hand, in a perfect leap, sinking any of the other guys' hopes of winning.

The judges pick Michelle and Michael as the winners. Since Vienna did not win, she assumes that she has been cheated. As she tells the camera, she worked the hardest and was SO much better than the others.....clearly. Chris tells the guys to please put on some clothes and we thank him for kicking butts this season.

Jake, ever the target, needs to find a way to not get eliminated since he doesn't have immunity. The logical thing would be to pick someone in the house that has a lot of pull with the others and who has the potential to win future competitions. Jake decides to try to ally with Erica. Brilliant! Jake talks strategy while Erica rubs her leg up and down Jake's. Jake shows us that he is willing to do whatever it takes to win (which, ironically is what he says he dislikes most about Vienna and Kasey) and we wish we didn't have to see the "whatever" he is talking about.

After his pow-wow with Queen Spacey, Jake is in the kitchen when Vienna tells him that he did a good job and that she is proud of him. By Kasey's enraged reaction, you would have thought that Vienna had groped Jake and had her way with him. And here's where it gets interesting. Vienna claims she was just being civil and immediately retreats to her preferred defense of playing the victim, accusing Kasey of not protecting her. Kasey slings back, "You want another public break-up on TV?".....okay, ouch! He then goes on to say to the camera that Vienna is a bigger "fame whore" than Jake. Color me crazy, but this does not seem to be things you would say to and/or about someone you supposedly love.

Their argument goes indoors and they both seem to forget their "promise" to not fight on camera. Vienna is crying, confused why her fake tears are not getting their usual desired result. Kasey continues to take verbal shots at Vienna asking her "Are you crying to get sympathy because you looked like a bitch last time?" For a moment, we consider feeling bad for her. Instead we rewind the scene, watch it several more times, and are grateful that someone is taking Chris Harrison's lead and putting the cross-eyes damsel in distress in her place. Kasey tells Vienna she is ruining their strategy and to get her act together before they lose everything. Ahhh....nothing like placing money in front of respecting one's boyfriend/girlfriend.

For Michelle's date, Kasey, Blake, and Graham are chosen to go along. Blake notes that Melissa is good friends with Michelle and hopes that he can smooth things over with Michelle.

As Michael picks his dates, Holly tells the camera she hopes he does not pick her....he does. He also picks Ella and Vienna.

On Michelle's date at the vineyard, Michelle and Graham skirt around the fact that they have a crush on each other. Great line of the night was when Michelle tells Graham she thinks he's great and he comes back with, "You barely know me!" Funny.....and true. They kiss, she gives him a rose, and I scanned the background for fireworks....nada.

On Michelle's date, Michelle tells Blake that he needs to fix things between he and Melissa. She subtly acknowledges that Melissa is being a smidge overly dramatic, but that he still needs to make things right.

Michael's date he and the girls go horseback riding. Ella is excited, Holly is hoping she doesn't have to ride on the same horse as Michael, and Vienna complains about everything. If ABC can do an actual montage of your whining, chances are you have annoyed everyone within earshot. One of those people is Ella, who starts to contemplate the beauty of voting Vienna off.

Back at the mansion, Blake takes a couple shots of liquid courage before going to do what he knows must be done to save his hide - act like he's interested in Melissa again....after referring to her as "a schrew of a bitch." His words...not mine (but I agree). Blake apologizes, acts mildly interested and Melissa is back in love with him. He can't tell if the throw up in his mouth is from the liquor or from her touch.

Back on the horse date, Michael and Holly discuss yet again where they stand. At first I sort of liked Holly and I think we all know my stance on Michael - hilarious! But, as the show goes on, my dislike for Holly is growing...for this reason - she is doing the thing I hate when people do: to the camera she repeatedly says how things are done between her and Michael and how she doesn't want to be on dates with him, etc., but in person, she sends him all kinds of crazy mixed signals.

Back at the mansion Kasey tells the camera all about his inner struggles and we are introduced to his granola knitted cap. Wooly? Feminine?....still searching

Jake continues his strategizing by approaching.....Erica (again!). This time he takes doing whatever it takes to a whole new level by making out with Erica. What Jake fails to realize that he didn't have to do this - Erica is so hopped up on prescription medication that he could have just told her later that they made out and she would have believed him. Instead, we all had to witness a scene so uncomfortable I found myself hiding behind our dog, Sampson.

Back to the horse date - no shocker here: Michael gives the rose to Holly. As the other girls leave, Brett Michaels' tour bus shows up out of nowhere. Michael and Holly seem super excited and I'm left thinking, "This isn't VH1.....?" The only excuse for this insanity is that one of the ABC interns is a die-hard Poison fan and slipped this into the date without anyone catching it until it was too late. Well done.

On the bus, Holly tells Brett that she and Michael were engaged. Brett gives a hearty congrats. Holly then says they broke up and Brett feels like an idiot. But thankfully, he has just the song. We hear Every Rose Has It's Thorn as Holly contemplates how that song relates to her situation with Michael. zzzzzzzzzzzz. She and Michael end the date with a hug and I can't help but notice how Holly sticks her butt away from Michael as they embrace....it's the kind of hug you give your mildewy great-aunt Mildred.

Cut to the mansion and our favorite resident crazy, Kasey. He mentions that it's his and Vienna's 6-month anniversary. That's like 63 years in reality TV world. He says he has a ring for Vienna. As he pours out his heart to his beloved, she looks back at him with a total "stank face." She says she is "getting nervous" and says the last thing you want to hear from someone you love, "I don't want it to be an engagement ring." She need not worry though, it's just a promise ring, which she accepts with joy....or was it simply relief that it wasn't an engagement ring.

What follows was so horrifying my hands tremble as I write. Kasey sings an original song to Vienna. Rather than sit and politely listen the way Ali did, Vienna laughs at him. Kasey is unaware of a) his girlfriend is laughing at him and b) his song has no melody...at all.

While American Idol is going on outside, Erica is trying to fight through her medication haze long enough to round up the troops against Kasey by approaching Kirk and Holly. Erica tells the camera that she doesn't trust Melissa as far as she can throw her, which isn't far even though Melissa is tiny. Meanwhile, Melissa is busy packing because she knows she is going home. Erica has planted a seed of doubt about Melissa in everyone's mind by insinuating that Melissa and Jake have teamed up and I think that maybe Erica is smarter than I give her credit for....not hard, that bar is floor high. But Melissa is convinced she will get her revenge when everyone sees the episodes air and realize that she is the only one who had things right. Riiiiight.

Vienna says that Melissa is a loose cannon and loyalty is most important to Vienna.....is anyone buying that?
Melissa decides to set the record straight but just ends up in tears.....again. Melissa and Erica have it out on the front steps of the house. Erica notes her observation that Melissa never puts logic in front of emotion and Melissa states that she is not the one causing drama in the house. I never thought I'd say it, but Erica is the one making sense in this argument. Michelle even tells Melissa she needs to rein it in because sh'e driving everyone crazy.

At the pre-rose ceremony alcohol fest, Blake tells Melissa he wants a plutonic partnership and she again feels betrayed. She finds comfort in Jake, who is desperate enough to stay that he is willing to put up with any and all craziness. Jake makes the statement that Melissa will follow anyone who will give her comfort....and he apparently feels no remorse about taking advantage of this fact.

Chris Harrison announces that only one man will go home tonight and Kasey rests assured that his minions will not vote him out. He even thanks them for their loyalty, not realizing that there are a few Brutuses (Bruti?) in the bunch. Somehow Vienna and Kasey catch wind that a plot has developed to vote Kasey out. Vienna puts on her psycho masks and starts lecturing others about loyalty and how she and Kasey would never turn on their friends. Methinks she should get off that self-constructed pedestal of morality she is on....it's a mighty long fall back to reality.

During voting we realize the Kirk is the swing vote. Kirk realizes this too and says that he is doing something he did not think he would ever do.

At the rose ceremony, it comes down to Jake and Kasey. Chris says that there is only one rose left and whoever does not hear his name will be going home.

The last thing we hear on the episode is Chris Harrison say "Kasey" thus indicating that Jake is the one being sent packing.

But......dare I suggest that this may not be the case. I wonder why they cut off right after that and did not show Jake's departure and Vienna/Kasey's rejoicing (which I'm sure will include tears by Vienna and faux ghetto talk by Kasey). There's got to be a twist....and so we wait for next week.

You Know What Time It Is - Guard and Protect Time! (Ep 2)

It's not November but after Monday's episode, I couldn't help but make a short list of things I am thankful for:
1) Chris Harrison verbally castrating Vienna
2) The knowledge that I don't live anywhere near Kasey
3) More evidence that Michael Stagliano is a decent person and super funny
4) True (even if short-lived) romance
5) That the episode was only 2 hours long

The episode began with the remaining contestants talking about Rated R and Allie's departures. Someone noted that Allie left with great dignity, while the others tried to remember who Allie was. We see Jake moping by himself, repeatedly telling the camera that he knows he is a huge target. We see Kasey and Vienna continue to bask in the glory of the stronghold they have over the house and I continue to be confused as to why they have any power at all.

The next morning the contestants are told the contest will involve them chucking balloons filled with paint at opposite-gender contestant. Chris Harrison will ask a question and they will throw the balloon at the contestant  (who is facing backwards, is blindfolded, and has a huge target literally painted on his/her back) who best fits the answer to the question and you only get a point if the balloon breaks. Most points win. Simple enough. So, what kind of questions are posed? Hurtful ones!

With the girls up first, Chris asks them to throw at the guy they are least attracted to. Memorable moments include:
1) Vienna aiming for Jake and missing (what would Freud say?)
2) Erica hitting Kasey and Kasey stating that there's no way anyone could not be attracted to him - he's got the hottest girl in the house so that must mean something about him. That's right Kasey, your attractiveness level is directly proportionate to that of who you are dating. Hef must be a real studbucket.
3) Michael getting hit and saying, "Whoever hit me was tough. I grunted. But, in a man way of course." (FYI, he was hit by the toothpick Jackie)
Next hurtful question: Who least deserves the money?
Since Melissa watched Ashley's season of the Bachelorette, she knows Ames is loaded and pelts him. Jackie decides that children in Africa without running water don't need help, and pegs Graham in the back. The rest of these Cy Young hopefuls miss egregiously.
Last hurtful question: Who do you want to see go home this week?
One by one, the women stepped up and hurled their balloon at Jake's back. All he could do was stand there as his back turned into a kindergartner's finger painting - a mass of different colored paint.

At the end of the women's round, Jackie and Melissa were tied. Tie breaker = Which guy is the dumbest?
Jackie aims for William but misses. Melissa, who must have missed DeAnna's season and knows nothing about Graham, aims and hits Graham, thus claiming victory. Now, it's the guys' turn.

First emotionally scarring question: Who will most likely cheat on you?
Most guys aim for Vienna, although Erica and Ella also get hit - I'm going to assume they were trying to hit Vienna and just have horrible aim.
Second emotionally scarring question: Who do you want to go home this week?
Erica receives the bulk of these balloons, except for Jake's, which he lobs at Vienna (which makes him giving her the rose last week look even dumber)
Third question that would send any woman to therapy: Who are you least attracted to?
And the barrage on Erica continues. Michael pelts her with a line drive that made me think he was a jerk, but it became clear that he did not intend for it to be thrown as hard as it was. He also says that he wants to win, but that this is a terrible way to win. Erica looks like she is barely holding it together and is hoping she can remember where she hid her extra stash of mood-altering medications. I feel really bad for her and then she says she doesn't understand why the guys picked her when Ella is clearly fatter and uglier than she.

Sympathy over , Princess.

But Michael still feels bad about whipping a paint-covered insult at Erica so he picks her, Holly (of course) and Michelle for his date. The date card says, "Are you afraid of the dark?"...and after this date, we can safely say that Michael definitely is.

The date turns out to be a ghost hunt at an abandoned hospital where, according to Holly "a lot of bad things happened." We see footage through night-vision goggles and silently pray that we don't see the ghost of Vienna and the black modesty patch from last episode - talk about horrifying! Michelle asks Holly about her and Michael and Holly gives a completely vague, booze-soaked, ambiguous answer - I'm guessing comminication was part of their relationship woes. Michelle also asks Michael and he is a bit more straight-forward...he loved/loves Holly but he has no plans to propose to her a second time.

Michael does want to talk to Holly, though, so he gives her the date rose. They go outside and talk about why they broke up (which is still not clear to me....and maybe not clear to them) and how Michael wants Holly to be happy. Holly makes the observation that it's always felt like they were best friends. Michael disagrees, saying that he has felt more than a friend vibe for her. She looks uncomfortable and they leave with really nothing resolved. Only good point - we gain more respect for Michael.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the guys sit like they're on the firing squad as Melissa decides who the "lucky" men will be to join her on the date. Kirk, Blake, and Kasey are chosen. Melissa is trying to play the game so she tells Kasey she will give him the rose as long as he ensures her safety next week. Despite the fact that Kasey has basically told everyone in the house, except Jake, that he "has their back" he tells her he will keep her safe. Blake tells the camera that he has caught wind that Melissa is "into" him. He then notes that she is not his type but he will do what he needs to do to win....and we wonder if he is secretly Bently in a Blake costume.

The date takes place on a yacht (possibly Ames's...."). We see Blake rubbing Melissa's leg and all vomit a little in our mouth - two creepy people together does not make for a fun viewing experience. Kasey is chilling in the assurance that he has the rose in the bag. Kirk wonders if he has the strength to jump of the yacht and swim to shore.

Back at the mansion, Jake tells himself that the only way for him to not go home this week is to ask Vienna for help. She is amid her lastest Jake-bashing session, with Gia defending Jake and Ella looking irritated that she has to listen to this AGAIN. Jake asks Vienna to speak outside and she morphs into the helpless damsel, saying that she is not comfortable talking to him alone. This is ridiculous for 2 reasons:
1) Alone? Have you not noticed that group of people with cameras and boom mics following you around? Don't think they're going to miss one second of your fued with Jake.
2) Let's be honest, Vienna looks like she can pack a punch. Besides, didn't she tell us all last episode that she's in the best shape of her life?
Jake tells her she can bring anyone she wants and she still refuses....and I start to consider fast-forwarding any scenes with her in it.

Back on the Non-Love Boat date, Kirk is trying his best to look interested in Melissa since he has deemed that it is indeed too far to swin to shore. Kasey is putting in minimal effort since he made a deal with Melissa. Blake decides to go in for the kill. In the bedroom he informs Melissa that "you can tell a lot about a person by how they kiss." He then says that he wants to give her something to think about as he leans in for a kiss so awkward my right eye began to twitch. I don't know whether it was the porn-ish music, the fact that the kiss was so sloppy, or the fact that it was Blake and Melissa who were doing the kissing, but I literally had to look away - my retinas started burning. And for the record, Michelle Money, there were no fireworks.

Apparently Blake's kisses also come with a free memory cleanse because Melissa promptly forgets her deal with Kasey and gives the date rose to Blake. Kasey is floored that he does not have complete control over his minions and we see that there may be a chink in his armor. Kirk and Kasey ride home on the reject dinghy and Kirk throws his arm around Kasey in a moment of comedy and we are reminded of why we cheer for Kirk.

The following morning, Gia summons Graham (whom we learn is friends with Gia outside the show) - she knows she's going home (despite the fact that not one person hit her with a balloon for wanting her to go home) and, as a veteran of BP, wants to spell out for him who needs to go - specifically, Graham needs to break up Kasey and Vienna. Graham nods in agreement while thinking, "Duh!"

The camera cuts to Holly and Blake frolicking on one of the huge beds. We then see shots of Melissa in various parts of the house calling out, "Blake?" - that's right, we got a Stage 4 Klingon on our hands. When she finally finds Blake in bed with Holly, she jumps right in bed with them as if this were perfectly normal adult behavior. Holly looks uncomfortable and Blake avoids acknowledging that Melissa is glaring at him. I mean, Blake thinks he's hot, but even he is unworthy of this level of stalkerdom....that level is reserved for George Clooney.....and Kevin Bacon.

Holly leaves the unhappy couple and Melissa lets her Melissa-ness fly out in all its pathological glory. She accuses him of cheating on her with Holly.
a) Not defending the resident creep-o Blake, but he didn't do anything with Holly
b) You kissed Blake, Melissa - that's it! I know you felt like you were the Bachelorette on your date, but you weren't - so that rose you gave Blake was not the final rose, there was no Niel Lane diamond, and you will not be given a free honeymoon trip by ABC.
Classic moment: Melissa tells Blake she's not being emotional - she's just annoyed. Blake informs her that "annoyed" is an emotion (it is - I have it on my feeling chart I give to my clients)
Melissa also tells him that she has spent a lot of time defending herself from the Bachelor episode where her eyes bugged out and her head spun around. Apparently she feels that the best way to refute her reputation as the psycho girl is to turn it up a notch - interesting strategy...let's see how it works.

As if Kasey and Vienna's egos could not get any bigger, Jake approaches them to ask for their help...out of the kindness of their hearts. Uh Jake?....Have you met them before? Poor Kirk and Ella don't make a break for it quick enough and are stuck listening to yet another dramatic Jake vs. Vienna/Kasey round. Kasey asks Jake why he deserves to be here. Even though I don't like Jake, listening to him prostrate himself in front of Kasey made me want to shove cotton balls in my ears and borrow "The Mask"'s mask. One entertaining moment was when Vienna called Jake out on him needing money because he's in debt....his silence spoke volumes. Ella and Kirk both felt bad for Jake and I'm starting to think the Vienna/Kasey tide might be turning.

Back inside, Vienna, in a pitiful voice, thanks Kasey for "being strong" for her against mean ol' Jake, completely forgetting that she verbally stripped him of his manhood a mere 24 hours prior. Kasey makes his heart tattoo beat and channels the spirit of the long-forgotten Rated R....I pray someone invents a device that will scrub one's brain of memories like this.

The ever-perceptive Harrison enters and notes the tension in the room. Jake calls a spade a spade and says it's between him and Vienna. Kasey notes that it's about to get "less awkward" not realizing that only his departure (and maybe Blake's) will significantly decrease the awkward factor in the house. Vienna puts on her crabby pants and says she can't believe ABC forced her to be in the house with Jake since she had no clue he was going to be there. Harrison knows one thing - you don't bite the hand that feeds you. In a moment that will go down in Bachelor Pad history, Harrison tells Vienna she is free to leave - no one is forcing her to be here. He goes even a step further by pointing out the exits and offering to call her a cab. No one is going to bad mouth the company that signs his checks!

The only word to describe Vienna is shocked. And again, I think some chinks in the K/V armor are being exposed. But Harrison's just getting started. He informs the group that this week 2 girls and no guys are going home. In a fit of panic, Vienna stands up and tries to rally all the other women to say they will not do this because it's unfair....crickets chirp and in the end, the cheese stands alone.

Amidst the shady maneuvering that is as much a part of every pre-rose-ceremony party as personality disorders, high hem lines, and champagne, we learn that Graham has ratted Gia out to Kasey. Being the meglomaniac he is, Kasey talks to Gia like she is his servant whom he cought stealing from the coffers and is now firing. In a second moment of pure greatness, Gia confronts Graham and then packs her bags, voluntarily leaving the show. She states that she is not mean/shady enough to play this game....and I think she might be right.

Since Gia left the show, only one more woman will be kicked out of the house in the rose ceremony. It's between Ella and Jackie......? Color me confused, but why would you pick two of the more benign contestants to kick out. True, Jackie won the first challenge and almost won the second challenge, but Ella? Whatever.

In the end, Jackie does not get a rose. Ames is heartbroken. As a side note, my husband sat through this episode, looking utterly bored and/or disgusted 99% of the time. The 1% where he perked up was when he said, "Is that guy (Ames) wearing watermelon pants?" My husband has a pair of watermelon pants (and shorts) that I have a love/hate relationship with. I thought I had found a way to hook him into the show, but then, in the third act of greatness, Ames walked towards the men and waved good-bye. Not a word, just a wave. Very Cary Grant. And then he was off sprinting toward the departing limo. He and Jackie smooched and talked about how they had won the best prize. The scene we didn't see was this:
Jackie: Ames, I'm so glad you came back for me. I didn't want you in the house with all those girls by yourself.
Ames: Don't worry Jackie. Hard to believe, but you might be the smartest one of that bunch so my Renaissance romantic heart belongs to  you....at least for now.
Jackie: Oh no! But if you don't stay then we have no chance of winning the $250,000!!!
Ames: Did you not catch my hometown date on the Bachelorette - no worries, I'm rich.

Sadly, though not surprisingly, the couple has already split.

Scenes from next week include Jake kissing Erica (even though he threw a balloon at her for "least attractive"?)....desperate times call for odd bedfellows!

Episode 1: Hook-ups, Night Vision, and Strategery - oh my!

I'm exhausted.

Physically.

Mentally.

Emotionally.

Exhausted.

....And I didn't even have to hold someone I just met while being suspended in air!

That 3-hour-long episode business had better not be a common occurance on this show or my devotion to it will be even more short-lived than a Hollywood romance. I think it's somewhat arrogant of ABC to assume that we would be willing to give up three usable hours (2.25 if you DVR'd it and skipped the commercials) on a Monday night to listen to incessant whining, faulty accusations, and anything that comes out of Vienna's mouth. However, that's exactly what I did - damn you ABC and your tricky ways!! There are numerous parts of this episode that could have been cut - so I hope the ABC editors start doing a little more snip snip snipping and earn their paychecks. Regardless, I pushed through the 3-hour debacle and let me tell you - no amount of money could justify living with that crew!

The first part of this epic first episode that could have been cut was all the character intorductions (and you'll often find me referring to the contestants as "characters"...it's my wishful thinking that they don't actually behave in the real world like they do on TV). However, we did learn some juicy tidbits about a few individuals that warrant a share.
1) Ella: She reveals that her mother was murdered by Ella's step-father in front of her and her sister when she was three....what? I was fairly dumbfounded after that disclosure and it was one of the rare moments of transparency by one of the characters. Ella also repeatedly reminds us that she is here to win money so she can buy her and her son a home. Between those to things, I find it hard to root against her.
2) Kasey: Kasey's mission may not be to win, but to make sure Jake does not win. Jake was mean to Kasey's girlfriend, Vienna. And like the good-old days when beefs were settled with a knuckle sandwich, Kasey wants nothing more than to take Jake out back for an old-fashioned ass-whoopin'. I mean, why else would he pack on 30 pounds of sheer muscle? Speaking of which - am I the only one who saw no difference from before?
3) Michelle Money: She reveals to us that her father was daignosed with Stage 4 colon cancer and we see footage of them talking in her backyard, this disproving my theory that she spontaneously formed from the pits of the netherworld. Michelle wants to win the money so she can donate it to colon cancer research....riiiiiiight. She'll do that right after she spends the majority of it on herself, a little of it on accessories for her daughter so she can keep dressing her up like a teacup poodle, and a little more on herself (hopefully not to make her teeth even more blindingly white). Goal number 2: if she can't win the money outright, maybe she can win over one of the wealthier male contestants....what's that saying about teaching a man to fish?
4) I adore Michael Stagliono....I feel we would be friends in real life
5) Kirk is still as normal, funny, and endearing as ever...I want him and Michael to become best friends.
6) Graham: I don't know him from Adam's housecat, but he says that he wants to give the money to children's charities. Given that he is already heavily involved in this endeavor, I kind of believe him.
7) Gia provides us with a flow chart of her Bachelor franchise experience. At first I laughed, but then thought to myself, "If your history on the Bachelor franchise necessitates a flow chart, it might be time to throw in the reality show towel."
8) Erica: I couldn't place her at first but realized that she had been on a reality show called "You're Cut Off" which attempted to rehabilitate spoiled girls such as herself. Didn't like her then, don't like her now. I fear she's had so much botox that it's traveled down to her vocal chords. Either that or she was on a boatload of Valium (although I too would probably need something stronger than a stiff drink to live in that house).
9) Jake: Apparently trying to do some image repair and to come across as the nice Texan again - and is almost pulling it off. But being from Texas, he should be familiar with the saying, "Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades."
10) Since I did not watch Ashley's season of the Bachelorette, I was completely taken back by how creepy, slimey, I'm-going-to-put-roofies-in-your-drink Blake is! And for God's sake - stop talking out of the side of your face! It doesn't help the whole creep factor thing.

So, after the needless intros, each of the contestants arrive one-by-one in limos. Chris Harrison does my least favorite thing hosts do - he asks questions we all already know the answers to, such as (to Michael), "So are you and Holly still engaged?" Come on, man! The whole reason they are both on the show is because they recently broke up and drama will ensue! We know this, Chris - this ain't our first Bachelor Rodeo (which I fear will be the next installment of the Bachelor Franchise).

Notable snubs upon entering the mansion are:
1) Gia's snub of Vienna: Excellent for 2 reasons - 1) Everyone is fawning all over Gia, making her cold shoulder toward Vienna even more chilly and 2) Like the wanna-be-cool-kid she is, Vienna attempts to engage Gia in small talk, which Gia responds to coridally, but using minimal words. Well played.
2) Jackie's snub of Michelle....or was it Michelle's snub of Jackie? Either way, Jackie was going down the line, introducing herself to everyone, hugs abounding.....until she got to Michelle...awkward pause...then on to the next character.

Chris Harrison introduces the rules of game as Gia takes a nap given that this is her second go-round on the BP. Rated R informs us that he is going to do what he does best - be a total d-bag and manipulate everyone around him. I guess he has to be proud of something since his wrestling career has taken off like a lead balloon. Chris Harrison tells the contestants that there will be a challenge tomorrow and they will have to pair up with a member of the opposite sex. This leads to my favorite quote from the following morning when Kirk says, "You know what happens when you drink too much last night?...You end up with Erica as a partner."

The next morning, the group comes outside to see harnesses hanging over beds in the driveway. I feel bad for their neighbors - I'm thankful the only thing I see when I look at my neighbor's driveway is their dog, Sugar Bear. I cringed behind my pillow thinking about the presentation I had to attend in grad school where a psychologist who specializes in the geriatric population explained to us how, thanks to new innovative contraptions, people well into their 80's can still engage in fulfilling sexual encounters....there were beds....there were harnesses...and then my brain exploded. All the contestants make ooh-ing noises as if they were prudish school girls giggling at the thought of kissing a boy for the first time. Harrison explains that they will be hoisted up in the harness and the girls have to hold on to their male partners however they want, for as long as they can. Last couple to not drop wins immunity and a romantic date. Vienna informs the viewing aduience that she and Kasey are in the best shape of their lives and again I make a mental note to go to the optomistrist, because I just don't see it.

Despite her tiny size, Will drops Gia within minutes and you know somewhere Ashley is cheering in front of her TV yelling, "That's for the "I wish the Bachelorette were Emily" comment, you wimp!" Holly goes next, stating that she would rather be drinking than being entwined with her ex-fiance in an awkward embrace. Graham and Alli go next - no surprise there - he's one of the skinniest guys on the show and she is the Khloe Kardashian of the bunch...just doesn't quite fit in with the rest. Melissa and Blake go next and then Blake's doppledanger, Kirk, lets Erica plummet to the bed below. Michelle shows off how her fake books can defy gravity by hanging by her legs - a move which ultimately bites her in her rear as she is unable to pull herself back up and is forced to drop out. Ella and Rated R finally give in, revealing our last two couples...you guessed it: Jake and Jackie vs. Vienna and Kasey.

Vienna repeatedly whimpers to Kasey, "We can't let him win immunity," while Jake mentally pictures himself hanging over a cliff, being the only thing stopping Jackie from plummeting to death. Various body parts on the men are turning shades of red and purple. Jake wonders if his foot turning purple is dangerous.....is your foot ever purple when it's healthy, Jake? Me thinks not. Finally, Kasey convinces Vienna to let go of her spider grip on him as half of his body is no longer feeling any sensations. Being the selfless girlfriend she is, Vienna immediately walks off in a huff, not bothering to check to see if Kasey's limbs will require amputation.

While Jake and Jackie celebrate their win, the camera cuts to Kasey and Vienna in the hot tub. For a split second I thought she might be going to him to tell him to not be so hard on himself, that they'll get it the next time. Instead, the first words out of her mouth are, "I expected more from you." She then proceeds to verbally castrate him, accusing him of not "guarding and protecting" her heart (how dare she?!) The moment Kasey tries to defend himself, Vienna reminds him that they promised to not fight on camera....and we later wish that there were other things they had promised to not do on camera!.

The next morning is more of the same - Vienna and Kasey are still fighting and Vienna does her classic, "You're being mean to me," fake cry. Kasey buys what she's selling and tells her he loves her more than peanut butter cookies. While it may be cheesy, Kasey's finally speaking my language....peanut butter cookies are damn good.

The date card arrives and we learn that Jake and Jackie not only get a romantic date, but they get an extra rose to hand out to someone. The obvious guess is that it will be Gia....but this is BP - nothing is a given.

Strategery commence! We learn that the core 4 include Graham, Michelle, Kasey, and Vienna.....what? What vortex did we fall into in that Kasey and Vienna are part of the "core" or have any power whatsoever. I understand that couples are powerful because they won't turn on each other but a) Vienna is part of the couple and she would sell her own grandmother's one good kidney for $10 and b) simply vote off one member of the couple and presto - problem solved. Instead, our mensa candidate contestants all come to the conclusion that Kasey and Vienna hold all the cards and therefore the only chance for survival is to team up with them. Let's see how well that works.

Since Michelle is good at math, she reminds the other "core 4" that they need to recruit a few more people to have the majority. They decide that Kirk, Erica, Holly, Michael, and Alli are the lucky ones who will be invited to join their club. Needing one more, they all agree that Rated R is amoral enough to join their crew. To the camera, Rated R tells us that he is going to play both sides and immediately runs to the others to tell them about "the plan." He also warns Alli that Graham is going to approach her about being a part of their alliance. Not one to be treated like an foolish lovestruck teenager, Alli hoists up her boobs and goes to confront Graham, which, in turn, blows Rated R's cover, outing him as a traitor.

Meanwhile, Jake and Jackie are on their romantic date and Jake is doing that weird arm/hand holding thing he loves to do. Some random 3rd grader bursts into tears when she sees him - she loves Jake and is overcome with emotions when she sees him. Jake tells us that this (making children cry?) is what it's all about....and I wonder to myself what parent allows their 3rd grader to watch The Bachelor and walk around Hollywood Blvd at night....I guess times have changed. Jake and Jackie arrive at El Capitan and settle in for a dinner above the marquee.

Even though they just met the day before, Jackie did spend over 30 minutes with her legs wrapped around his man parts so she figures they're close enough for her to ask about Vienna. Jake pulls out the script given to him by his publicist. There's a wonderful balance of accepting responsibility yelling at Vienna on TV and for slapping his knee (but not for anything else in the relationship), and pointing out Vienna's faults (namely her selling their break-up story to the tabloids) in order to garner sympathy. His PR person deserves a raise. Not that she's the brightest light on the marquee, but Jake's speech is good enough for Jackie and she tells the audience she feels Jake's heart is in the right place. Given this revelation, she suggests to Jake that they give the rose to Vienna. Jake proceeds to choke on whatever is in his mouth in a classicly genuine moment of "WTF?"

While is contemplating giving Vienna another rose (when will it end???), Vienna is back and the mansion pooping all over Jake and trying to get the other house members to hate him as much as she does. Wonder how Jake will feel when he sees this footage for the first time? Vienna repeatedly states that she wants to close the Jake chapter of her life...here's a suggestion: then don't go on a reality show where you will be forced to live with him! Call me simple.....

The next morning, in a frantic display of movement, Jackie tells Jake that she will leave the rose decision completely up to him. She wants no part. Jake confides in Rated R (why not?) that he's thinking of giving Vienna the rose. Rated R tells him he's being an idiot so Jake seeks validation from the next obvious source, Gia. Gia is aghast that Jake is not only considering not giving the rose to her, but giving it to her sworn enemy. She's so flustered she mistakes the Trojan horse as the Trojan elephant....easy mistake - I make it all the time. Jake, being the wonderful man he is, looks into the eyes of one of the few people to stick by him through the past year, turns around and gives the rose to Vienna - who promptly bursts into tears. The vein on Kasey's temple looks like it's going to pop out and I think this is a good message to children to not use steroids (not even if it gets you 30 lbs of muscle!). Now I know what you're thinking: "Children are not allowed to watch Bachelor Pad."....let us not forget the 3rd grader crying over Jake.

But the rose comes with a price - Jake wants to have a private talk with Vienna....and Kasey. And like the beaten down puppy dog he is, Kasey follows the two into an adjacent room. Jake pulls out his scripted speech, realizes that version was the one he used last night, puts it away and grabs the version meant for when he talks to Vienna. More fake apologizing and wishing them the best. Vienna informed him she is happy now and walks away. To the camera she continues to bash Jake and I'm praying that there's some twist in the show that says the person given the rose is actually eliminated - kind of like Bachelor Punked!

Immediately, we cut to Vienna and Kasey as seen through night vision goggles. Vienna proceeds to disrobe and I thank God for the black modesty patch covering her lady bits.She crawls into bed with Kasey and there's lots of movement - you infer what you want. At this point, we're finishing hour two so I may have dozed off a bit and when I woke up to this I thought I had rolled over on the remote, accidently changing the channel to a creepy porn channel. What's going on ABC? Aren't you owned by Disney? I mean, we all assume this type of nocturnal activity is taking place - doesn't mean we want to see it!!! No need to go all Paris Hilton on us. A good rule of thumb is that, in the history of the world, only one thing involving night vision goggles has not made me want to scrub my brain of the memory - John C. Riley and Will Farrell in Step Brothers - "You know what's amazing? They're not that noticeable on your face."

At the pre-rose ceremony party, Gia comes up with a brilliant plan. She pulls Kasey aside and convinces him that she has all the girls in her pocket and they are thinking of voting him off. Gia admits that she knows her head of gorgeous hair is on the chopping block and attempts to set up a 2-person alliance with Kasey, stating that she can get the other girls to back off. Since his "core 4" were unable to secure Allie, it's possible Gia is right so he agrees to the alliance right before Vienna comes over. Kasey has finally unpacked his balls and tells Vienna that his conversation with Gia has nothing to do with her. His brief moment of masculinity is squashed as she tells him that, like any textbook abusive relationship, anything concerning him also concerns her.

As the manipulating continues, Blake finally comes up with a plan I can sink my teeth into: since Vienna has immunity, vote off Kasey. Unfortunately, our contestants can't seem to grasp this plan and no one seems really excited about it. Gia seeks Jake's advice and pulls a guilt trip on him saying that she had to make an alliance with Kasey because he's the only one who has her back...ouch.

The next shot is of various cast members placing their votes and I'm left thinking that BP is an awful lot like survivor, but with mansions, helicopters, and cocktails.

At the rose ceremony, the last two men without roses are Rated R and Kasey. The last two girls are Allie and Gia. In the end, Allie and Rated R are sent home. Rated R grabs Jake's rose, stating that this time he's leaving with a rose....as opposed to hobbling off through some hotel's shrubery. Michael reminds us why we are rooting for him by stating, "Well, that went badly." Allie leaves without hardly anyone noticing and unfortunately I think this may be a repeating theme in her life. In the reject limos Rated R blames Allie (whom he describes as a "big fake boob idiot") for his downfall. I couldn't help but be reminded of the Most Interesting Man's take on career development: "Find out what you are bad at...and don't do that." Rated R keeps telling everyone how he is the master manipulator....but according to my records, he's 0-2. Well, at least we don't have to hear him talk in the third person any more.

My apologies for the lengthy update....did I mention the show was three hours long?

Meet the Cast and Let the Crazy Begin!

Oh sweet Jesus - what have I done? I have managed to get myself into a pickle....and by "pickle" I mean that I have already mentally committed to watching the second season of The Bachelor Pad, in all its pathological glory. In my own defense, I did not watch the first season....however, that was only because my "reality TV plate" was already full (Real Housewives of New York marathon?....where do I sign?). But, given my boycott of this season of the Bachelorette (which, according to trusted sources, has been either a snoozefest or the personification of human insecurity that makes you involuntarily grimace) I feel I have room in my reality TV buffet for this season - besides, once I saw who was going to be on, I knew I was hooked. So, without further delay, here are our resident crazies for the season:

Alli (Womack's 2nd season): Alli will always be remembered in my mind as the woman in the green dress who had her boobs hanging out on day 1 and who also shook her butt in Womack's face on day 1. She was also the woman who was dumped on a one-on-one date, where it was so obvious that there was NO chemistry between them....well, obvious to everyone but her. So, it seems being perceptive is not a strength of our fair maiden and this may be her downfall. However, excessive cleavage and butt shakin' has taken more than one reality TV star to the promised land so she may go farther than anyone anticipates.

Ella (Jake's Season): Ella can't stand being away from her son....unless it's to be on TV. Ella was the woman Jake kept around, claiming that he would love to be a father to her son. All the while, my assumption was that he was still doing image management and didn't want to appear like a total d-bag by dumping the sweet single mother with the cute southern accent. I was on the fence about Ella before and I'm still straddling that line - only time will tell how long she will be away from her son this time.

Erica Rose (Lorenzo Borghese's Season): Lorenzo's season was another season I boycotted so I have no idea who Erica Rose is. I will say this though - whenever there are Bachelor updates and reunions, I always see her boozing it up and making out with anyone with lips....she looks like a trainwreck and my hunch is that's why she is on the show....well done casting crew.....well done.

Gia (Jake's Season): You can kick Jersey down, but you can't keep her down (and yes, I know she's from NY....but come on....it's a hop, skip, and a jump across the river.....and that accent!!). If I remember correctly, she was on the last season of Bachelor Pad so she may have a boob up on the comeptition. However, last time on the Bachelor Pad she apparently fell for Wes, which boggles the mind because I think even the d-bags of America agree that Wes is lame and has no soul. Unfortunately, Vienna came between their 30-day love affair - but the Bachelor Pad will allow them to talk about these unfortunate events in a rational adult manner.....riiiiiiight. Also, Gia is friends with Jake, Vienna's ex, so there are love triangles abounding....so much so they have turned into love rhombuses.....rhombi?....whatever - bottom line: it's messy!

Graham (DeAnna's season): Another unknown to me, because I actively avoided her season because I don't like her. But according to the ABC website, during that season he did not "reciprocate" her feelings for him....and I like him already.

Holly (Grant's (sigh) Season): Grant may not be on The Bachelor Pad (come on casting crew - work harder!!!) but Holly from his season is. For me, she was forgettable on his season, but her intrigue comes in that she was engaged to Michael Stagliano from Ali's season. Note that I said "was engaged" - apparently she called off the engagement, realized she made a boo boo, and tried to go back to Michael.....but he wasn't having it (go Michael!). So, the obvious next step on the road to recovery is to go on another reality show where random hook-ups, excessive drinking, and backstabbing are encouraged....it's a new brand of therapy that has not been empirically supported....yet.

Jackie (Womack's 2nd season): My Beiber-loving artist is back! I actually have no idea whether she loves "The Beebs" or not, but my first impression of her was that she does. I was ambivalent about her when she was on the show - for the most part she drove me batty, but she had a few excellent points and grew on me before she got cut. She needs to reel in her manic episodes, but if she can do that, she might fare well.

Jake (from his own egotistical season): Jake is not out for fame....let's just get that straight. He in no way went on the Bachelorette or agreed to be the Bachelor for fame. Furthering his acting career is the last thing on his mind as he went on Dancing with the Star, did a Cameo on Drop Dead Diva, and is now on Bachelor Pad. Not him - he just wants to fly planes and live in Denton, Texas. Ok seriously - I was surprised to hear that Jake would be on Bachelor Pad - for this reason: I think it's a horrible PR move. Jake branded himself as the "Texas gentleman" but the Bachelor Pad is designed to bring out everyone's most cut-throat side...and the little clips of Jake we have seen post-Bachelor have shown us that he has a lot of that side to him. Predicting that Jake is going to come across like a total jackhole is like predicting that it's going to be a tad on the warm side in Texas in the summer. And don't blame it on editing, Jake - own it like the rest of them.

Justin "Rated R" (Ali's Season): Justin managed to cruthc his way into Ali's heart, but after she found out he had a girlfriend back in O Canada, he had to crutch his way through some hotel's landscaping to avoid having to 'fess up. Justin is slimey and smarmy - just the kind of contestant who will do well on this show. The main question is whether he still is with his girlfriend....however, I have an inkling that it doesn't matter to this two-timing muchacho - he's making out with anything and everything that's willing.

Kasey (Ali's Season): The man responsible for so many cringe-worthy moments (remember him singing to Ali in the museum?.....apologies for that reminder - that was unnecessary) is back to guard and protect her heart...and by "her" I mean Vienna. Kasey will not do well on the show because he creeps out the women and doesn't know how to get along with the guys. He would have a better chance on American Idol.....sorry again for the reminder.

Kirk (Ali's season): I'm actually really excited that he's on the show - he was funny, nice, and, as you can tell from my husband, I have a soft spot in my heart for the red-heads! His taxidermist dad many have sunk his chances with Ali, but Kirks leaving the stuffed animal heads at home and coming here to win. I think he will do well as he gets along well with everyone and comes across as fairly intelligent. I really hope we don't see a bad side to him since too many crazies together can get a little too much to handle. My fear for him is that he will get swept away in some romance (Gia maybe....?) and get sidetracked.

Melissa (from Womack's 2nd season): My crazy plate is getting full with this addition. Melissa is the 32(?)-year-old who got into it with Raichel and got them both booted from the show. Her desperation is almost tangible and yet she is completely unaware of it. She will be gone quickly because she doesn't have the smarts to play the game and she is not hot enough for the guys to keep her around for aesthetic purposes. I find her brand of crazy not amusing or entertaining - it's just annoying.

Michael (Jillian's season): Our break-dancing bachelor is suffering from a recent break-up with ex-fiance, and fellow Bachelor Pad castmate, Holly. Although he refused to take her back, which leads me to believe he has appropriate boundaries, I bet that watching her make out with other guys is going to sting a little more than sunscreen in the eyes. Who knows, he and Holly may end up getting back together....stranger things have happened on these shows.

Michelle (Womack's 2nd season): I almost gave myself a black eye when I found out she was on the show. However, amid a sea of crazy, I wonder if her colors will be so bright....? When she was on The Bachelor, Michelle often expressed her confusion over the fact that other girls were going on dates with her man. She clearly does not do a good job of reading show descriptions before signing her life away on the dotted line, so I'm curious to see what her expectations for The Bachelor Pad are. Unfortunately, playing games is as natural to her as blinking and she's incredibly attractive, which means that at least half the cast will want her to stick around....I think I'll be spending more weeks with her than I care to.

Vienna (Jake's season): Oh Vienna..... (shaking head) oh dear Vienna..... (sigh) oh no Vienna....sorry - I was just practicing phrases I think I will be saying A LOT this season. Her addition to the show makes for some very interesting scenarios. Not only did she have an ugly break-up from Jake, but she is currently dating fellow castmate, Kasey. Vienna is also supposedly the one who got in between fellow castmate Gia and Wes (although I think, in time, Gia will be greatful that she is no longer with Wes). I have a feeling that Vienna and Kasey will be an island of their own as I don't see anyone else wanting to join with them. Jake and Gia will blatantly launch an attack against Vienna and my prediction is that Vienna will leave Kasey once she realizes that he cannot guard and protect her (damn that tattoo!!) and she will slutty herself on to another, better connected male contestant. Now, I'm no Ms. Cleo, but that's what my gut is telling me.

Of course there will be two other additions from this Season of the Bachelorette. The obvious choice is that one will be Bently - because he has no soul and apparently a ton of free time. My prediction is that the other person will be whoever the runner up is this year. We'll just have to wait patiently and see.

The bottom line is that, this season, there is no limit to the craziness that we will see. Daniel is going to hate me for watching this show and, truth be told, I kind of hate myself a little for watching this show. But hatred or not, I'm in and looking forward to this debacle!