Oh sweet Jesus - what have I done? I have managed to get myself into a pickle....and by "pickle" I mean that I have already mentally committed to watching the second season of The Bachelor Pad, in all its pathological glory. In my own defense, I did not watch the first season....however, that was only because my "reality TV plate" was already full (Real Housewives of New York marathon?....where do I sign?). But, given my boycott of this season of the Bachelorette (which, according to trusted sources, has been either a snoozefest or the personification of human insecurity that makes you involuntarily grimace) I feel I have room in my reality TV buffet for this season - besides, once I saw who was going to be on, I knew I was hooked. So, without further delay, here are our resident crazies for the season:
Alli (Womack's 2nd season): Alli will always be remembered in my mind as the woman in the green dress who had her boobs hanging out on day 1 and who also shook her butt in Womack's face on day 1. She was also the woman who was dumped on a one-on-one date, where it was so obvious that there was NO chemistry between them....well, obvious to everyone but her. So, it seems being perceptive is not a strength of our fair maiden and this may be her downfall. However, excessive cleavage and butt shakin' has taken more than one reality TV star to the promised land so she may go farther than anyone anticipates.
Ella (Jake's Season): Ella can't stand being away from her son....unless it's to be on TV. Ella was the woman Jake kept around, claiming that he would love to be a father to her son. All the while, my assumption was that he was still doing image management and didn't want to appear like a total d-bag by dumping the sweet single mother with the cute southern accent. I was on the fence about Ella before and I'm still straddling that line - only time will tell how long she will be away from her son this time.
Erica Rose (Lorenzo Borghese's Season): Lorenzo's season was another season I boycotted so I have no idea who Erica Rose is. I will say this though - whenever there are Bachelor updates and reunions, I always see her boozing it up and making out with anyone with lips....she looks like a trainwreck and my hunch is that's why she is on the show....well done casting crew.....well done.
Gia (Jake's Season): You can kick Jersey down, but you can't keep her down (and yes, I know she's from NY....but come on....it's a hop, skip, and a jump across the river.....and that accent!!). If I remember correctly, she was on the last season of Bachelor Pad so she may have a boob up on the comeptition. However, last time on the Bachelor Pad she apparently fell for Wes, which boggles the mind because I think even the d-bags of America agree that Wes is lame and has no soul. Unfortunately, Vienna came between their 30-day love affair - but the Bachelor Pad will allow them to talk about these unfortunate events in a rational adult manner.....riiiiiiight. Also, Gia is friends with Jake, Vienna's ex, so there are love triangles abounding....so much so they have turned into love rhombuses.....rhombi?....whatever - bottom line: it's messy!
Graham (DeAnna's season): Another unknown to me, because I actively avoided her season because I don't like her. But according to the ABC website, during that season he did not "reciprocate" her feelings for him....and I like him already.
Holly (Grant's (sigh) Season): Grant may not be on The Bachelor Pad (come on casting crew - work harder!!!) but Holly from his season is. For me, she was forgettable on his season, but her intrigue comes in that she was engaged to Michael Stagliano from Ali's season. Note that I said "was engaged" - apparently she called off the engagement, realized she made a boo boo, and tried to go back to Michael.....but he wasn't having it (go Michael!). So, the obvious next step on the road to recovery is to go on another reality show where random hook-ups, excessive drinking, and backstabbing are encouraged....it's a new brand of therapy that has not been empirically supported....yet.
Jackie (Womack's 2nd season): My Beiber-loving artist is back! I actually have no idea whether she loves "The Beebs" or not, but my first impression of her was that she does. I was ambivalent about her when she was on the show - for the most part she drove me batty, but she had a few excellent points and grew on me before she got cut. She needs to reel in her manic episodes, but if she can do that, she might fare well.
Jake (from his own egotistical season): Jake is not out for fame....let's just get that straight. He in no way went on the Bachelorette or agreed to be the Bachelor for fame. Furthering his acting career is the last thing on his mind as he went on Dancing with the Star, did a Cameo on Drop Dead Diva, and is now on Bachelor Pad. Not him - he just wants to fly planes and live in Denton, Texas. Ok seriously - I was surprised to hear that Jake would be on Bachelor Pad - for this reason: I think it's a horrible PR move. Jake branded himself as the "Texas gentleman" but the Bachelor Pad is designed to bring out everyone's most cut-throat side...and the little clips of Jake we have seen post-Bachelor have shown us that he has a lot of that side to him. Predicting that Jake is going to come across like a total jackhole is like predicting that it's going to be a tad on the warm side in Texas in the summer. And don't blame it on editing, Jake - own it like the rest of them.
Justin "Rated R" (Ali's Season): Justin managed to cruthc his way into Ali's heart, but after she found out he had a girlfriend back in O Canada, he had to crutch his way through some hotel's landscaping to avoid having to 'fess up. Justin is slimey and smarmy - just the kind of contestant who will do well on this show. The main question is whether he still is with his girlfriend....however, I have an inkling that it doesn't matter to this two-timing muchacho - he's making out with anything and everything that's willing.
Kasey (Ali's Season): The man responsible for so many cringe-worthy moments (remember him singing to Ali in the museum?.....apologies for that reminder - that was unnecessary) is back to guard and protect her heart...and by "her" I mean Vienna. Kasey will not do well on the show because he creeps out the women and doesn't know how to get along with the guys. He would have a better chance on American Idol.....sorry again for the reminder.
Kirk (Ali's season): I'm actually really excited that he's on the show - he was funny, nice, and, as you can tell from my husband, I have a soft spot in my heart for the red-heads! His taxidermist dad many have sunk his chances with Ali, but Kirks leaving the stuffed animal heads at home and coming here to win. I think he will do well as he gets along well with everyone and comes across as fairly intelligent. I really hope we don't see a bad side to him since too many crazies together can get a little too much to handle. My fear for him is that he will get swept away in some romance (Gia maybe....?) and get sidetracked.
Melissa (from Womack's 2nd season): My crazy plate is getting full with this addition. Melissa is the 32(?)-year-old who got into it with Raichel and got them both booted from the show. Her desperation is almost tangible and yet she is completely unaware of it. She will be gone quickly because she doesn't have the smarts to play the game and she is not hot enough for the guys to keep her around for aesthetic purposes. I find her brand of crazy not amusing or entertaining - it's just annoying.
Michael (Jillian's season): Our break-dancing bachelor is suffering from a recent break-up with ex-fiance, and fellow Bachelor Pad castmate, Holly. Although he refused to take her back, which leads me to believe he has appropriate boundaries, I bet that watching her make out with other guys is going to sting a little more than sunscreen in the eyes. Who knows, he and Holly may end up getting back together....stranger things have happened on these shows.
Michelle (Womack's 2nd season): I almost gave myself a black eye when I found out she was on the show. However, amid a sea of crazy, I wonder if her colors will be so bright....? When she was on The Bachelor, Michelle often expressed her confusion over the fact that other girls were going on dates with her man. She clearly does not do a good job of reading show descriptions before signing her life away on the dotted line, so I'm curious to see what her expectations for The Bachelor Pad are. Unfortunately, playing games is as natural to her as blinking and she's incredibly attractive, which means that at least half the cast will want her to stick around....I think I'll be spending more weeks with her than I care to.
Vienna (Jake's season): Oh Vienna..... (shaking head) oh dear Vienna..... (sigh) oh no Vienna....sorry - I was just practicing phrases I think I will be saying A LOT this season. Her addition to the show makes for some very interesting scenarios. Not only did she have an ugly break-up from Jake, but she is currently dating fellow castmate, Kasey. Vienna is also supposedly the one who got in between fellow castmate Gia and Wes (although I think, in time, Gia will be greatful that she is no longer with Wes). I have a feeling that Vienna and Kasey will be an island of their own as I don't see anyone else wanting to join with them. Jake and Gia will blatantly launch an attack against Vienna and my prediction is that Vienna will leave Kasey once she realizes that he cannot guard and protect her (damn that tattoo!!) and she will slutty herself on to another, better connected male contestant. Now, I'm no Ms. Cleo, but that's what my gut is telling me.
Of course there will be two other additions from this Season of the Bachelorette. The obvious choice is that one will be Bently - because he has no soul and apparently a ton of free time. My prediction is that the other person will be whoever the runner up is this year. We'll just have to wait patiently and see.
The bottom line is that, this season, there is no limit to the craziness that we will see. Daniel is going to hate me for watching this show and, truth be told, I kind of hate myself a little for watching this show. But hatred or not, I'm in and looking forward to this debacle!
