I'm exhausted.
Physically.
Mentally.
Emotionally.
Exhausted.
....And I didn't even have to hold someone I just met while being suspended in air!
That 3-hour-long episode business had better not be a common occurance on this show or my devotion to it will be even more short-lived than a Hollywood romance. I think it's somewhat arrogant of ABC to assume that we would be willing to give up three usable hours (2.25 if you DVR'd it and skipped the commercials) on a Monday night to listen to incessant whining, faulty accusations, and anything that comes out of Vienna's mouth. However, that's exactly what I did - damn you ABC and your tricky ways!! There are numerous parts of this episode that could have been cut - so I hope the ABC editors start doing a little more snip snip snipping and earn their paychecks. Regardless, I pushed through the 3-hour debacle and let me tell you - no amount of money could justify living with that crew!
The first part of this epic first episode that could have been cut was all the character intorductions (and you'll often find me referring to the contestants as "characters"...it's my wishful thinking that they don't actually behave in the real world like they do on TV). However, we did learn some juicy tidbits about a few individuals that warrant a share.
1) Ella: She reveals that her mother was murdered by Ella's step-father in front of her and her sister when she was three....what? I was fairly dumbfounded after that disclosure and it was one of the rare moments of transparency by one of the characters. Ella also repeatedly reminds us that she is here to win money so she can buy her and her son a home. Between those to things, I find it hard to root against her.
2) Kasey: Kasey's mission may not be to win, but to make sure Jake does not win. Jake was mean to Kasey's girlfriend, Vienna. And like the good-old days when beefs were settled with a knuckle sandwich, Kasey wants nothing more than to take Jake out back for an old-fashioned ass-whoopin'. I mean, why else would he pack on 30 pounds of sheer muscle? Speaking of which - am I the only one who saw no difference from before?
3) Michelle Money: She reveals to us that her father was daignosed with Stage 4 colon cancer and we see footage of them talking in her backyard, this disproving my theory that she spontaneously formed from the pits of the netherworld. Michelle wants to win the money so she can donate it to colon cancer research....riiiiiiight. She'll do that right after she spends the majority of it on herself, a little of it on accessories for her daughter so she can keep dressing her up like a teacup poodle, and a little more on herself (hopefully not to make her teeth even more blindingly white). Goal number 2: if she can't win the money outright, maybe she can win over one of the wealthier male contestants....what's that saying about teaching a man to fish?
4) I adore Michael Stagliono....I feel we would be friends in real life
5) Kirk is still as normal, funny, and endearing as ever...I want him and Michael to become best friends.
6) Graham: I don't know him from Adam's housecat, but he says that he wants to give the money to children's charities. Given that he is already heavily involved in this endeavor, I kind of believe him.
7) Gia provides us with a flow chart of her Bachelor franchise experience. At first I laughed, but then thought to myself, "If your history on the Bachelor franchise necessitates a flow chart, it might be time to throw in the reality show towel."
8) Erica: I couldn't place her at first but realized that she had been on a reality show called "You're Cut Off" which attempted to rehabilitate spoiled girls such as herself. Didn't like her then, don't like her now. I fear she's had so much botox that it's traveled down to her vocal chords. Either that or she was on a boatload of Valium (although I too would probably need something stronger than a stiff drink to live in that house).
9) Jake: Apparently trying to do some image repair and to come across as the nice Texan again - and is almost pulling it off. But being from Texas, he should be familiar with the saying, "Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades."
10) Since I did not watch Ashley's season of the Bachelorette, I was completely taken back by how creepy, slimey, I'm-going-to-put-roofies-in-your-drink Blake is! And for God's sake - stop talking out of the side of your face! It doesn't help the whole creep factor thing.
So, after the needless intros, each of the contestants arrive one-by-one in limos. Chris Harrison does my least favorite thing hosts do - he asks questions we all already know the answers to, such as (to Michael), "So are you and Holly still engaged?" Come on, man! The whole reason they are both on the show is because they recently broke up and drama will ensue! We know this, Chris - this ain't our first Bachelor Rodeo (which I fear will be the next installment of the Bachelor Franchise).
Notable snubs upon entering the mansion are:
1) Gia's snub of Vienna: Excellent for 2 reasons - 1) Everyone is fawning all over Gia, making her cold shoulder toward Vienna even more chilly and 2) Like the wanna-be-cool-kid she is, Vienna attempts to engage Gia in small talk, which Gia responds to coridally, but using minimal words. Well played.
2) Jackie's snub of Michelle....or was it Michelle's snub of Jackie? Either way, Jackie was going down the line, introducing herself to everyone, hugs abounding.....until she got to Michelle...awkward pause...then on to the next character.
Chris Harrison introduces the rules of game as Gia takes a nap given that this is her second go-round on the BP. Rated R informs us that he is going to do what he does best - be a total d-bag and manipulate everyone around him. I guess he has to be proud of something since his wrestling career has taken off like a lead balloon. Chris Harrison tells the contestants that there will be a challenge tomorrow and they will have to pair up with a member of the opposite sex. This leads to my favorite quote from the following morning when Kirk says, "You know what happens when you drink too much last night?...You end up with Erica as a partner."
The next morning, the group comes outside to see harnesses hanging over beds in the driveway. I feel bad for their neighbors - I'm thankful the only thing I see when I look at my neighbor's driveway is their dog, Sugar Bear. I cringed behind my pillow thinking about the presentation I had to attend in grad school where a psychologist who specializes in the geriatric population explained to us how, thanks to new innovative contraptions, people well into their 80's can still engage in fulfilling sexual encounters....there were beds....there were harnesses...and then my brain exploded. All the contestants make ooh-ing noises as if they were prudish school girls giggling at the thought of kissing a boy for the first time. Harrison explains that they will be hoisted up in the harness and the girls have to hold on to their male partners however they want, for as long as they can. Last couple to not drop wins immunity and a romantic date. Vienna informs the viewing aduience that she and Kasey are in the best shape of their lives and again I make a mental note to go to the optomistrist, because I just don't see it.
Despite her tiny size, Will drops Gia within minutes and you know somewhere Ashley is cheering in front of her TV yelling, "That's for the "I wish the Bachelorette were Emily" comment, you wimp!" Holly goes next, stating that she would rather be drinking than being entwined with her ex-fiance in an awkward embrace. Graham and Alli go next - no surprise there - he's one of the skinniest guys on the show and she is the Khloe Kardashian of the bunch...just doesn't quite fit in with the rest. Melissa and Blake go next and then Blake's doppledanger, Kirk, lets Erica plummet to the bed below. Michelle shows off how her fake books can defy gravity by hanging by her legs - a move which ultimately bites her in her rear as she is unable to pull herself back up and is forced to drop out. Ella and Rated R finally give in, revealing our last two couples...you guessed it: Jake and Jackie vs. Vienna and Kasey.
Vienna repeatedly whimpers to Kasey, "We can't let him win immunity," while Jake mentally pictures himself hanging over a cliff, being the only thing stopping Jackie from plummeting to death. Various body parts on the men are turning shades of red and purple. Jake wonders if his foot turning purple is dangerous.....is your foot ever purple when it's healthy, Jake? Me thinks not. Finally, Kasey convinces Vienna to let go of her spider grip on him as half of his body is no longer feeling any sensations. Being the selfless girlfriend she is, Vienna immediately walks off in a huff, not bothering to check to see if Kasey's limbs will require amputation.
While Jake and Jackie celebrate their win, the camera cuts to Kasey and Vienna in the hot tub. For a split second I thought she might be going to him to tell him to not be so hard on himself, that they'll get it the next time. Instead, the first words out of her mouth are, "I expected more from you." She then proceeds to verbally castrate him, accusing him of not "guarding and protecting" her heart (how dare she?!) The moment Kasey tries to defend himself, Vienna reminds him that they promised to not fight on camera....and we later wish that there were other things they had promised to not do on camera!.
The next morning is more of the same - Vienna and Kasey are still fighting and Vienna does her classic, "You're being mean to me," fake cry. Kasey buys what she's selling and tells her he loves her more than peanut butter cookies. While it may be cheesy, Kasey's finally speaking my language....peanut butter cookies are damn good.
The date card arrives and we learn that Jake and Jackie not only get a romantic date, but they get an extra rose to hand out to someone. The obvious guess is that it will be Gia....but this is BP - nothing is a given.
Strategery commence! We learn that the core 4 include Graham, Michelle, Kasey, and Vienna.....what? What vortex did we fall into in that Kasey and Vienna are part of the "core" or have any power whatsoever. I understand that couples are powerful because they won't turn on each other but a) Vienna is part of the couple and she would sell her own grandmother's one good kidney for $10 and b) simply vote off one member of the couple and presto - problem solved. Instead, our mensa candidate contestants all come to the conclusion that Kasey and Vienna hold all the cards and therefore the only chance for survival is to team up with them. Let's see how well that works.
Since Michelle is good at math, she reminds the other "core 4" that they need to recruit a few more people to have the majority. They decide that Kirk, Erica, Holly, Michael, and Alli are the lucky ones who will be invited to join their club. Needing one more, they all agree that Rated R is amoral enough to join their crew. To the camera, Rated R tells us that he is going to play both sides and immediately runs to the others to tell them about "the plan." He also warns Alli that Graham is going to approach her about being a part of their alliance. Not one to be treated like an foolish lovestruck teenager, Alli hoists up her boobs and goes to confront Graham, which, in turn, blows Rated R's cover, outing him as a traitor.
Meanwhile, Jake and Jackie are on their romantic date and Jake is doing that weird arm/hand holding thing he loves to do. Some random 3rd grader bursts into tears when she sees him - she loves Jake and is overcome with emotions when she sees him. Jake tells us that this (making children cry?) is what it's all about....and I wonder to myself what parent allows their 3rd grader to watch The Bachelor and walk around Hollywood Blvd at night....I guess times have changed. Jake and Jackie arrive at El Capitan and settle in for a dinner above the marquee.
Even though they just met the day before, Jackie did spend over 30 minutes with her legs wrapped around his man parts so she figures they're close enough for her to ask about Vienna. Jake pulls out the script given to him by his publicist. There's a wonderful balance of accepting responsibility yelling at Vienna on TV and for slapping his knee (but not for anything else in the relationship), and pointing out Vienna's faults (namely her selling their break-up story to the tabloids) in order to garner sympathy. His PR person deserves a raise. Not that she's the brightest light on the marquee, but Jake's speech is good enough for Jackie and she tells the audience she feels Jake's heart is in the right place. Given this revelation, she suggests to Jake that they give the rose to Vienna. Jake proceeds to choke on whatever is in his mouth in a classicly genuine moment of "WTF?"
While is contemplating giving Vienna another rose (when will it end???), Vienna is back and the mansion pooping all over Jake and trying to get the other house members to hate him as much as she does. Wonder how Jake will feel when he sees this footage for the first time? Vienna repeatedly states that she wants to close the Jake chapter of her life...here's a suggestion: then don't go on a reality show where you will be forced to live with him! Call me simple.....
The next morning, in a frantic display of movement, Jackie tells Jake that she will leave the rose decision completely up to him. She wants no part. Jake confides in Rated R (why not?) that he's thinking of giving Vienna the rose. Rated R tells him he's being an idiot so Jake seeks validation from the next obvious source, Gia. Gia is aghast that Jake is not only considering not giving the rose to her, but giving it to her sworn enemy. She's so flustered she mistakes the Trojan horse as the Trojan elephant....easy mistake - I make it all the time. Jake, being the wonderful man he is, looks into the eyes of one of the few people to stick by him through the past year, turns around and gives the rose to Vienna - who promptly bursts into tears. The vein on Kasey's temple looks like it's going to pop out and I think this is a good message to children to not use steroids (not even if it gets you 30 lbs of muscle!). Now I know what you're thinking: "Children are not allowed to watch Bachelor Pad."....let us not forget the 3rd grader crying over Jake.
But the rose comes with a price - Jake wants to have a private talk with Vienna....and Kasey. And like the beaten down puppy dog he is, Kasey follows the two into an adjacent room. Jake pulls out his scripted speech, realizes that version was the one he used last night, puts it away and grabs the version meant for when he talks to Vienna. More fake apologizing and wishing them the best. Vienna informed him she is happy now and walks away. To the camera she continues to bash Jake and I'm praying that there's some twist in the show that says the person given the rose is actually eliminated - kind of like Bachelor Punked!
Immediately, we cut to Vienna and Kasey as seen through night vision goggles. Vienna proceeds to disrobe and I thank God for the black modesty patch covering her lady bits.She crawls into bed with Kasey and there's lots of movement - you infer what you want. At this point, we're finishing hour two so I may have dozed off a bit and when I woke up to this I thought I had rolled over on the remote, accidently changing the channel to a creepy porn channel. What's going on ABC? Aren't you owned by Disney? I mean, we all assume this type of nocturnal activity is taking place - doesn't mean we want to see it!!! No need to go all Paris Hilton on us. A good rule of thumb is that, in the history of the world, only one thing involving night vision goggles has not made me want to scrub my brain of the memory - John C. Riley and Will Farrell in Step Brothers - "You know what's amazing? They're not that noticeable on your face."
At the pre-rose ceremony party, Gia comes up with a brilliant plan. She pulls Kasey aside and convinces him that she has all the girls in her pocket and they are thinking of voting him off. Gia admits that she knows her head of gorgeous hair is on the chopping block and attempts to set up a 2-person alliance with Kasey, stating that she can get the other girls to back off. Since his "core 4" were unable to secure Allie, it's possible Gia is right so he agrees to the alliance right before Vienna comes over. Kasey has finally unpacked his balls and tells Vienna that his conversation with Gia has nothing to do with her. His brief moment of masculinity is squashed as she tells him that, like any textbook abusive relationship, anything concerning him also concerns her.
As the manipulating continues, Blake finally comes up with a plan I can sink my teeth into: since Vienna has immunity, vote off Kasey. Unfortunately, our contestants can't seem to grasp this plan and no one seems really excited about it. Gia seeks Jake's advice and pulls a guilt trip on him saying that she had to make an alliance with Kasey because he's the only one who has her back...ouch.
The next shot is of various cast members placing their votes and I'm left thinking that BP is an awful lot like survivor, but with mansions, helicopters, and cocktails.
At the rose ceremony, the last two men without roses are Rated R and Kasey. The last two girls are Allie and Gia. In the end, Allie and Rated R are sent home. Rated R grabs Jake's rose, stating that this time he's leaving with a rose....as opposed to hobbling off through some hotel's shrubery. Michael reminds us why we are rooting for him by stating, "Well, that went badly." Allie leaves without hardly anyone noticing and unfortunately I think this may be a repeating theme in her life. In the reject limos Rated R blames Allie (whom he describes as a "big fake boob idiot") for his downfall. I couldn't help but be reminded of the Most Interesting Man's take on career development: "Find out what you are bad at...and don't do that." Rated R keeps telling everyone how he is the master manipulator....but according to my records, he's 0-2. Well, at least we don't have to hear him talk in the third person any more.
My apologies for the lengthy update....did I mention the show was three hours long?
No comments:
Post a Comment