You Know What Time It Is - Guard and Protect Time! (Ep 2)

It's not November but after Monday's episode, I couldn't help but make a short list of things I am thankful for:
1) Chris Harrison verbally castrating Vienna
2) The knowledge that I don't live anywhere near Kasey
3) More evidence that Michael Stagliano is a decent person and super funny
4) True (even if short-lived) romance
5) That the episode was only 2 hours long

The episode began with the remaining contestants talking about Rated R and Allie's departures. Someone noted that Allie left with great dignity, while the others tried to remember who Allie was. We see Jake moping by himself, repeatedly telling the camera that he knows he is a huge target. We see Kasey and Vienna continue to bask in the glory of the stronghold they have over the house and I continue to be confused as to why they have any power at all.

The next morning the contestants are told the contest will involve them chucking balloons filled with paint at opposite-gender contestant. Chris Harrison will ask a question and they will throw the balloon at the contestant  (who is facing backwards, is blindfolded, and has a huge target literally painted on his/her back) who best fits the answer to the question and you only get a point if the balloon breaks. Most points win. Simple enough. So, what kind of questions are posed? Hurtful ones!

With the girls up first, Chris asks them to throw at the guy they are least attracted to. Memorable moments include:
1) Vienna aiming for Jake and missing (what would Freud say?)
2) Erica hitting Kasey and Kasey stating that there's no way anyone could not be attracted to him - he's got the hottest girl in the house so that must mean something about him. That's right Kasey, your attractiveness level is directly proportionate to that of who you are dating. Hef must be a real studbucket.
3) Michael getting hit and saying, "Whoever hit me was tough. I grunted. But, in a man way of course." (FYI, he was hit by the toothpick Jackie)
Next hurtful question: Who least deserves the money?
Since Melissa watched Ashley's season of the Bachelorette, she knows Ames is loaded and pelts him. Jackie decides that children in Africa without running water don't need help, and pegs Graham in the back. The rest of these Cy Young hopefuls miss egregiously.
Last hurtful question: Who do you want to see go home this week?
One by one, the women stepped up and hurled their balloon at Jake's back. All he could do was stand there as his back turned into a kindergartner's finger painting - a mass of different colored paint.

At the end of the women's round, Jackie and Melissa were tied. Tie breaker = Which guy is the dumbest?
Jackie aims for William but misses. Melissa, who must have missed DeAnna's season and knows nothing about Graham, aims and hits Graham, thus claiming victory. Now, it's the guys' turn.

First emotionally scarring question: Who will most likely cheat on you?
Most guys aim for Vienna, although Erica and Ella also get hit - I'm going to assume they were trying to hit Vienna and just have horrible aim.
Second emotionally scarring question: Who do you want to go home this week?
Erica receives the bulk of these balloons, except for Jake's, which he lobs at Vienna (which makes him giving her the rose last week look even dumber)
Third question that would send any woman to therapy: Who are you least attracted to?
And the barrage on Erica continues. Michael pelts her with a line drive that made me think he was a jerk, but it became clear that he did not intend for it to be thrown as hard as it was. He also says that he wants to win, but that this is a terrible way to win. Erica looks like she is barely holding it together and is hoping she can remember where she hid her extra stash of mood-altering medications. I feel really bad for her and then she says she doesn't understand why the guys picked her when Ella is clearly fatter and uglier than she.

Sympathy over , Princess.

But Michael still feels bad about whipping a paint-covered insult at Erica so he picks her, Holly (of course) and Michelle for his date. The date card says, "Are you afraid of the dark?"...and after this date, we can safely say that Michael definitely is.

The date turns out to be a ghost hunt at an abandoned hospital where, according to Holly "a lot of bad things happened." We see footage through night-vision goggles and silently pray that we don't see the ghost of Vienna and the black modesty patch from last episode - talk about horrifying! Michelle asks Holly about her and Michael and Holly gives a completely vague, booze-soaked, ambiguous answer - I'm guessing comminication was part of their relationship woes. Michelle also asks Michael and he is a bit more straight-forward...he loved/loves Holly but he has no plans to propose to her a second time.

Michael does want to talk to Holly, though, so he gives her the date rose. They go outside and talk about why they broke up (which is still not clear to me....and maybe not clear to them) and how Michael wants Holly to be happy. Holly makes the observation that it's always felt like they were best friends. Michael disagrees, saying that he has felt more than a friend vibe for her. She looks uncomfortable and they leave with really nothing resolved. Only good point - we gain more respect for Michael.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the guys sit like they're on the firing squad as Melissa decides who the "lucky" men will be to join her on the date. Kirk, Blake, and Kasey are chosen. Melissa is trying to play the game so she tells Kasey she will give him the rose as long as he ensures her safety next week. Despite the fact that Kasey has basically told everyone in the house, except Jake, that he "has their back" he tells her he will keep her safe. Blake tells the camera that he has caught wind that Melissa is "into" him. He then notes that she is not his type but he will do what he needs to do to win....and we wonder if he is secretly Bently in a Blake costume.

The date takes place on a yacht (possibly Ames's...."). We see Blake rubbing Melissa's leg and all vomit a little in our mouth - two creepy people together does not make for a fun viewing experience. Kasey is chilling in the assurance that he has the rose in the bag. Kirk wonders if he has the strength to jump of the yacht and swim to shore.

Back at the mansion, Jake tells himself that the only way for him to not go home this week is to ask Vienna for help. She is amid her lastest Jake-bashing session, with Gia defending Jake and Ella looking irritated that she has to listen to this AGAIN. Jake asks Vienna to speak outside and she morphs into the helpless damsel, saying that she is not comfortable talking to him alone. This is ridiculous for 2 reasons:
1) Alone? Have you not noticed that group of people with cameras and boom mics following you around? Don't think they're going to miss one second of your fued with Jake.
2) Let's be honest, Vienna looks like she can pack a punch. Besides, didn't she tell us all last episode that she's in the best shape of her life?
Jake tells her she can bring anyone she wants and she still refuses....and I start to consider fast-forwarding any scenes with her in it.

Back on the Non-Love Boat date, Kirk is trying his best to look interested in Melissa since he has deemed that it is indeed too far to swin to shore. Kasey is putting in minimal effort since he made a deal with Melissa. Blake decides to go in for the kill. In the bedroom he informs Melissa that "you can tell a lot about a person by how they kiss." He then says that he wants to give her something to think about as he leans in for a kiss so awkward my right eye began to twitch. I don't know whether it was the porn-ish music, the fact that the kiss was so sloppy, or the fact that it was Blake and Melissa who were doing the kissing, but I literally had to look away - my retinas started burning. And for the record, Michelle Money, there were no fireworks.

Apparently Blake's kisses also come with a free memory cleanse because Melissa promptly forgets her deal with Kasey and gives the date rose to Blake. Kasey is floored that he does not have complete control over his minions and we see that there may be a chink in his armor. Kirk and Kasey ride home on the reject dinghy and Kirk throws his arm around Kasey in a moment of comedy and we are reminded of why we cheer for Kirk.

The following morning, Gia summons Graham (whom we learn is friends with Gia outside the show) - she knows she's going home (despite the fact that not one person hit her with a balloon for wanting her to go home) and, as a veteran of BP, wants to spell out for him who needs to go - specifically, Graham needs to break up Kasey and Vienna. Graham nods in agreement while thinking, "Duh!"

The camera cuts to Holly and Blake frolicking on one of the huge beds. We then see shots of Melissa in various parts of the house calling out, "Blake?" - that's right, we got a Stage 4 Klingon on our hands. When she finally finds Blake in bed with Holly, she jumps right in bed with them as if this were perfectly normal adult behavior. Holly looks uncomfortable and Blake avoids acknowledging that Melissa is glaring at him. I mean, Blake thinks he's hot, but even he is unworthy of this level of stalkerdom....that level is reserved for George Clooney.....and Kevin Bacon.

Holly leaves the unhappy couple and Melissa lets her Melissa-ness fly out in all its pathological glory. She accuses him of cheating on her with Holly.
a) Not defending the resident creep-o Blake, but he didn't do anything with Holly
b) You kissed Blake, Melissa - that's it! I know you felt like you were the Bachelorette on your date, but you weren't - so that rose you gave Blake was not the final rose, there was no Niel Lane diamond, and you will not be given a free honeymoon trip by ABC.
Classic moment: Melissa tells Blake she's not being emotional - she's just annoyed. Blake informs her that "annoyed" is an emotion (it is - I have it on my feeling chart I give to my clients)
Melissa also tells him that she has spent a lot of time defending herself from the Bachelor episode where her eyes bugged out and her head spun around. Apparently she feels that the best way to refute her reputation as the psycho girl is to turn it up a notch - interesting strategy...let's see how it works.

As if Kasey and Vienna's egos could not get any bigger, Jake approaches them to ask for their help...out of the kindness of their hearts. Uh Jake?....Have you met them before? Poor Kirk and Ella don't make a break for it quick enough and are stuck listening to yet another dramatic Jake vs. Vienna/Kasey round. Kasey asks Jake why he deserves to be here. Even though I don't like Jake, listening to him prostrate himself in front of Kasey made me want to shove cotton balls in my ears and borrow "The Mask"'s mask. One entertaining moment was when Vienna called Jake out on him needing money because he's in debt....his silence spoke volumes. Ella and Kirk both felt bad for Jake and I'm starting to think the Vienna/Kasey tide might be turning.

Back inside, Vienna, in a pitiful voice, thanks Kasey for "being strong" for her against mean ol' Jake, completely forgetting that she verbally stripped him of his manhood a mere 24 hours prior. Kasey makes his heart tattoo beat and channels the spirit of the long-forgotten Rated R....I pray someone invents a device that will scrub one's brain of memories like this.

The ever-perceptive Harrison enters and notes the tension in the room. Jake calls a spade a spade and says it's between him and Vienna. Kasey notes that it's about to get "less awkward" not realizing that only his departure (and maybe Blake's) will significantly decrease the awkward factor in the house. Vienna puts on her crabby pants and says she can't believe ABC forced her to be in the house with Jake since she had no clue he was going to be there. Harrison knows one thing - you don't bite the hand that feeds you. In a moment that will go down in Bachelor Pad history, Harrison tells Vienna she is free to leave - no one is forcing her to be here. He goes even a step further by pointing out the exits and offering to call her a cab. No one is going to bad mouth the company that signs his checks!

The only word to describe Vienna is shocked. And again, I think some chinks in the K/V armor are being exposed. But Harrison's just getting started. He informs the group that this week 2 girls and no guys are going home. In a fit of panic, Vienna stands up and tries to rally all the other women to say they will not do this because it's unfair....crickets chirp and in the end, the cheese stands alone.

Amidst the shady maneuvering that is as much a part of every pre-rose-ceremony party as personality disorders, high hem lines, and champagne, we learn that Graham has ratted Gia out to Kasey. Being the meglomaniac he is, Kasey talks to Gia like she is his servant whom he cought stealing from the coffers and is now firing. In a second moment of pure greatness, Gia confronts Graham and then packs her bags, voluntarily leaving the show. She states that she is not mean/shady enough to play this game....and I think she might be right.

Since Gia left the show, only one more woman will be kicked out of the house in the rose ceremony. It's between Ella and Jackie......? Color me confused, but why would you pick two of the more benign contestants to kick out. True, Jackie won the first challenge and almost won the second challenge, but Ella? Whatever.

In the end, Jackie does not get a rose. Ames is heartbroken. As a side note, my husband sat through this episode, looking utterly bored and/or disgusted 99% of the time. The 1% where he perked up was when he said, "Is that guy (Ames) wearing watermelon pants?" My husband has a pair of watermelon pants (and shorts) that I have a love/hate relationship with. I thought I had found a way to hook him into the show, but then, in the third act of greatness, Ames walked towards the men and waved good-bye. Not a word, just a wave. Very Cary Grant. And then he was off sprinting toward the departing limo. He and Jackie smooched and talked about how they had won the best prize. The scene we didn't see was this:
Jackie: Ames, I'm so glad you came back for me. I didn't want you in the house with all those girls by yourself.
Ames: Don't worry Jackie. Hard to believe, but you might be the smartest one of that bunch so my Renaissance romantic heart belongs to  you....at least for now.
Jackie: Oh no! But if you don't stay then we have no chance of winning the $250,000!!!
Ames: Did you not catch my hometown date on the Bachelorette - no worries, I'm rich.

Sadly, though not surprisingly, the couple has already split.

Scenes from next week include Jake kissing Erica (even though he threw a balloon at her for "least attractive"?)....desperate times call for odd bedfellows!